Last week I made plans for another thrift store run with my daughter and her offspring. I agreed to go under the condition that this time, I'll take 16 month old Angel, who can talk, but not enough to embarrass Me-Ma.
By the time Monday rolled around, I was dreading it, and didn't want to go. The weekend had started off good, but ended up bad. All I wanted to do was hide somewhere,but, I also like to keep my word, so I arrived at the home of Princess and Super Trooper at 8:57 AM, 3 minutes earlier than the 9 AM take off time which had been POUNDED into my head by HER ROYAL HIGHNESS.
Right away I am greeted by 2 naked toddlers rushing for the door. Trooper Junior is screaming, "Me-Ma is here....Me-Ma is here" (At least one person on the face of the earth is excited to see me). Angel can't say Me-Ma, so she grunts, turns her chubby, dimpled, naked bottom around and runs into the dining room.
I spy Princess, hair soaking wet, holding her bathrobe in place.
"It's almost 9....Why is everyone nekkid?" I scream into the other room.
"I"m nekkied too....take off your clothes and come on in." Super Trooper screams from the kitchen.
"You trying to scare or excite me?" I reply.
Walking into the dining room, Super Trooper is holding court at the stove, while his two youngest continue to run around naked as the day they were born, while his oldest, (my step grandson), is chowing down.
"Here, try this", He says bringing me a slice of something.
"What is it?" I ask,not able to identify, "...tenderloin....?"
"Just try it", He urges.
I pop it into my mouth, haven't even taken a bite when he says:
"Oh....I forgot....you don't like peanut butter do you?"
It comes tumbling out of my mouth, going SPLAT, on the floor.
They all burst into laughter. Even Angel,who didn't have a clue.
Princess announces that it will be a girls only day. I'm all for that.
I take Angel into the nursery and get her dressed. We join the boys at the dining room table.
Trooper Junior, (who is still naked), is sitting between his daddy and older brother. It seems their goal, is to jack Trooper Junior up to go "bye-bye".
"Mama's going bye-bye"
"Angel will be sitting in your car seat"
"Angel will be watching your movie"
"Angel will get surprises"
After a few minutes of this, he has decided he wants to go also. Super Trooper (I WANTED TO KILL HIM), tells him to hurry and go get ready.
"You should be ashamed of yourself!" I say to Super Trooper as he piles his mouth full of a fried peanut butter sandwich.
Minutes later, Trooper Junior reappears, announcing he is, "Weady to go".
Trooper Junior has on brown suede cowboy boots and NOTHING ELSE!
Super Trooper and Little Trooper, crack up.
"He must get that from YOUR side of the family", he says.
"Ah...remind me again.....who was it playing basketball outside naked a couple of years ago....? Oh that's right....IT WAS YOU!"
We finally manage to get on the road for a girls day out and I am just tickled as can be. Despite her vow that we would only be going to the thrift store, to lunch and then home.....right away we have to stop at Chick Fillet to get a biscuit and tea for Princess and hash rounds for Angel.
Finally on the interstate, despite my mood, being totally drained and exhausted, I try to make the best of it.
Princess begins to talk about having plastic surgery.
ME-MA:"Why?"
PRINCESS:"I want new boobs."
ME-MA;"What's wrong with the old ones?"
PRINCESS:"Mama....I've nursed 2 babies."
ME-MA:"So?"
PRINCESS:"They aren't perky anymore."
ME-MA: "That happens, I guess. Especially when you breast feed."
PRINCESS: "Is that why you didn't breast feed us?"
ME-MA: "No. I didn't breast feed you, because you were such a hog, you wanted to put the whole thing in your mouth."
PRINCESS: "EEEEEEIIIIUUUU"
ME-MA: "It's true. We tried for days. You kept opening your mouth as wide as it would go. I was afraid you would have stretch marks on your mouth."
PRINCESS: "Mama....stop..."
ME-MA: "Well....You started this conversation."
PRINCESS: "I don't understand, why mine are so small, and yours are......are....."
ME-MA: "Yesss.......?"
PRINCESS: "You know what I'm saying."
ME-MA: "Well, if it makes you feel any better, I always heard that anymore than a hand or mouthful was a waste"
PRINCESS: "MAMA......stop...."
The thing you have to know about the 2 of us, is, should you see us together in a crowd, you would never guess we were related. She is a tiny, slip of a thing, barely 5 feet tall, weighs about 110, blonde hair, and I'm 5'9 in bare feet, dark hair and well....not tiny.
ME-MA: "You have what God wanted you to have. Be happy with it."
PRINCESS: "I just wish God had wanted me to have something a little bigger. That's all."
ME-MA: "Honey, if they were as big as mine, you wouldn't be able to stand upright, you would be falling face first."
We finally arrive and after washing down the buggy with bacterial wipes, I take Angel and we part ways.
Closing in on hour 2, I have reached my limit. I need to sit down, I need a cigarette and my mouth is so parched and dry, that I have considered taking a swig from Angel's sippy cup.
Checking out, I place my items on the counter. Princess is standing behind me, sorting through her cart, when the cashier looks at me and says:
"On Monday, you get 10% off, if you are 56 or older."
I hear Princess laughing behind me.
"Which.....you aren't....but...if you were....I'm just saying....." Mutters the cashier,refusing to make eye contact with me in fear of the poison darts that may shoot her way.
"YOU....." I say turning to Princess, "...SHUT UP...."
"Don't you want a discount, Mama?" She says giggling.
"BILL COSBY", I say. Right away she knows what I mean.
That is a reference to a brilliant line from Bill Cosby, one that I used countless times while raising my two children.
"Bill Cosby...?" The cashier says, looking to Princess.
She rolls her eyes at me.
"Tell her, Mama. I know you're dying to."
"Bill Cosby means: I BROUGHT YOU IN THIS WORLD AND I'LL TAKE YOU OUT."
By the time we left there, had lunch, and stopped 4 more places, I had officially reached the: I'M DONE stage. I wanted to go home, take off my clothes, have a big tall Coke Zero, and do nothing else.
When I reach this stage, there is no turning back. As soon as we pulled into her driveway, I was ready to go....still it took another 15 minutes before I could get to my car.
Princess had already informed Super Trooper about my "discount", and needless to say he had to ride me about it.
"I'm not a spring chicken and don't look like one, but I'll be good and damned if I look 56!" I snapped.
"Well, if it makes you feel any better, Trooper "H", is working today over in your county. I think he likes older women."
"I'M LEAVING."
Not that being pulled over by Trooper Cutie Patootie would be so bad........it wouldn't....plus, I just happen to know that word has made it to his ear, that should he pull me over again, and I happen to be alone, I might be so inclined to show him my tattoo. (Which I wouldn't dare....but...he doesn't know that).
I finally arrive home, stopping at the mail box and the very first item on top is from the AARP, addressed to me, the front of the envelope proclaiming that, YOUR AARP CARD IS ENCLOSED.
Later Ya'll...^Belle^
