I wanted him the first time I saw him. The second I looked into his eyes, my life would never be the same. Neither would I.

Prior to that first meeting, I was lost. Let me say that again, I WAS LOST. Tangled up in a life built on lies. Lies I told myself until they became my truth. There was a family name to live up to, an image to uphold and so my lie was born. Each and everyday I added more lies until finally...I didn't know where the lies ended and I began.

The daughter of a successful businessman and his wife, I came from the perfect home, lived there with my perfect parents in our perfect world.

In reality,I was born to a 17 year old girl that married a 35 year old man at the age of 14. I entered the world, not in a hospital with an anxious father to be pacing in the waiting room, but behind the dark gray walls of Julia Tutwiler Prison for Women. Her legal husband was not my father although he made the trip from Rockford,Ill to claim me. My natural mother along with the courts decided he was not equipped to care for a child. The man named in court documents as my father denied it. Or rather, me. I was as unclaimed as luggage.

I don't mean to sound bitter about it. I'm not. Really I'm not. Things worked out as God intended. He hand picked wonderful parents for me. A loving couple who wanted me.Who CHOSE and not just settled for me.

Still, at times, all of that hangs over me. I struggled with the question, "Who am I....? Am I the wanted daughter of these wonderful people or....the unwanted daughter of a convicted felon/tramp:? I felt split into 2 seperate pieces with no way to reconcile the halves to make a whole.

So, I had to become the person everyone thought I was. She wasn't real. She was my creation. I didn't even know how to go about uncovering the truth.My truth. I had no way of knowing as I looked into this Yankee's eyes that I had just found the key. Everything I needed to unravel years of lies, walls and barriers was standing right before me.

It took finding him.....to find me.
I wanted him the first time I saw him.
I want him more and more with every second that passes.
I am learning to dance with life instead of fighting against it and they are playing my song.




Later Ya'll....^Belle^

A funny thing happened on the way to a blog post. Instead of writing about Buffy and her pillow or Trooper Junior's lastest act of cuteness, I decided to write about and address thoughts and feelings that have been flying around inside me.

All this time I thought I was in the drivers seat of my life. Turns out I have been sitting in the passenger seat. Doubts and fears from the past hold me captive in the present.

As Ronnie Milsap sang long ago, "I have 20/20 vision, but only looking back". Where you are going depends on what you are looking at. If you are looking forward, you will go forward. If you are looking in the rear view mirror, you can't see the future, only the past.

There are many things in my past I do not wish to re-live. Those very things have blinded me. Yet, I can't let go of the fear or doubt, or waiting for the other shoe to drop. And I know it will....the only question is when.

So,sitting here in the passenger seat of my life and looking in the rear view mirror, I wait. I wait for denial and unspoken words. I wait for life to go in reverse.

I have a "friendship" on the chopping block, yet, hesitate to deliver the death blow because I don't want to hurt her. Yet, in the past she has not had any problem at all hurting me.

A friend asked me a question a few years back. One that I think about all the time: "What is it inside you that says, this is acceptable behavior....go ahead and play with my feelings and life....cast me aside....leave and enter my life at will? Why is that okay with you?" I didn't have an answer then, but I do now. It's not alright! Perhaps it was before when I was looking in the rear view mirror of life. But I can see....even feel a day in the very near future when I will finally be able to get into the drivers seat and leave the past behind me and go forward toward a new life. A new life with new friends. A life with people who don't come and go at the drop of a hat.A life with people who are worthy of my love,devotion and friendship.

I need to look in the rear view mirror a little while longer while I commit to memory the names and faces of all those who do not belong in my life. I need to remember all the dark places I have been. I need to let go of the past and move forward. It's time for a change of scenery.



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Later Ya'll...^Belle^

Very often I get a song stuck in my head. Today it is: Hold Me,Thrill Me,Kiss Me by Mel Carter. Listen to it below and tell me what you think, thumbs up or thumbs down. Later Ya'll...^Belle^

My son, The Baby ( 21 year old baby) comes strolling into kitchen Wednesday night in search of a snack. He stops and smiles at me sitting in the dining room with the phone up to my ear. The last time he made an appearance some 45 minutes ago, I was sitting here just like this. Nothing has changed. My only contribution to the "conversation" (and I assure you I am playing fast and loose with that word), is a combination of these words dispersed every now and again during those times when the party on the other end of the line takes a breath or pauses to see if I am still on the line or have passed out from sheer boredom: "Yeah", "Well", "Oh my","Uh huh".

He notes the perturbed look on my face and uses his hand to make a yakking motion. Pointing to my cell phone he is asking a silent question: Do I want him to place a call to me from my cell, thus triggering the call waiting feature.This would provide a short break and possibly give me a way off the phone. But she is on a roll and I know from prior experience that this "conversation" will take place no matter what. Plus then I would have to invent a caller and that I don't want to do. I could send a text message to Princess as I have done in the past asking her to call me. She will understand right away that: SOS ASAP, means I need to be rescued from the phone. Best to get this over with I decided, because I know that when the call continues after a short reprieve we will have to back track over everything she has already said over these long 66 minutes. And that can be a long drawn out process on it's own. Rather than establishing where we left off, we must go point by point by point.
EXAMPLE:
Caller: Okay, where did we leave off? Did I tell you about the dress?
Listener:Yes.
Caller: And I told you that it was yellow?
Listener:Yes.
Caller: And I told you it is the same color as a lemon?
Listener:Yes.
Caller: And I told you that I had a dress that same color when I was 5?
Listener:Yes.
Caller:That my mother bought me before moving up North?
Listener:Yes.
Caller:And that my cousin pushed me down?
Listener:Yes.
Caller:And I fell in a mud puddle?
Listener:Yes.
Caller:And it was the same cousin who is a millionaire living in Georgia?
Listener:Yes.
Caller:And the last time I saw him we were talking about my yellow dress...?
Listener:Yes.
Caller: And I asked him if he remembered pushing me down in the mud?
Listener: Yep. (might as well mix it up)
Caller:And ruining my yellow dress?
Listener: Yep.
Caller:That mother bought me before moving up north?
Listener: Yep.
Caller:And how excited I was to find a dress that same color?
Listener:Yes.
Caller: So I told you about the dress?
Listener:Yes.
Caller:Did I tell you about buying it?
Listener: Yes.
As you can see...this will go on and on, until I have verified every little tiny detail.

Back to Baby in the kitchen....I shake my head no. He then puts his hand over his heart and swoons about the kitchen, meaning....do I want him to play sick. Again I shake my head no and then note the distressed voice on the other end of the phone.....
Caller: Hell OOOOOOOO......?
Listener: What....?
Caller: I asked if you remember me telling you about what Agnes said to me at work when I first started and I didn't get a response.
Listener:Oh, sorry, Baby just came into the kitchen.

The following things cause a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach because each one can add another 15- 30 minutes of "conversation" or more:
Let me back up.
Let me set the scene.
To go back even further...
You won't believe the dream I had last night....
I need to back track....
So much has happened.....
Let me fill you in....
Can I dive right in and start talking? (Can I stop you!)
99.0% of the time all of these during the same conversation.

Those are but just a few. The thing you have to understand is that, so much has ALWAYS happened.For instance, the point of the call on Wednesday was to tell me of an incident that had happened on Sunday. BUT....before we get to Sunday....since it has been 6 days since talking to her last, we have to go over each and every day. We must chronicle her day in DETAIL from beginning to end, with many, many, side trips before we FINALLY arrive at what happened Sunday. To her credit she does realize and has admitted to being, "...fascinated with minor details.....", "....amazed at things other people don't care about....", "......being immature and childish...". But does that stop her....NO.

There have been times when I call her needing to talk something out and get feedback. But she always jumps right in, babbling on and on....when she finally takes a breath....I have no desire to talk to her....I only want off of the phone. And she wonders why I don't share things with her! During those times when I do throw caution to the wind and open up, I am not given the same considerate listening that I gave her. I am constantly interrupted with observations and important news bulletins that just could not wait...like.....The color of a car going down the road, the nicking of a just polished fingernail,a familiar name in the newspaper....etc. Of course she will always offer an apology, "I'm sorry. I know it's rude to interrupt, but I just had to tell you that before I forgot." Yeah...and I am so glad. I just don't know how I would have made it through the day without knowing that you nicked a fingernail.

At this point, writing this today, I am seriously rethinking my friendship with this person. As I have changed and grown as a person over the past 3 or 4 years, we don't see each other as much. That has been my choice. In fact, I have only seen her once this entire year. Going to her house for a visit, I feel as if I have been taken hostage. There is no escaping her. Once you enter into her territory, that is all she wrote. If you don't stay as long as she thinks you need to stay, she will sull, pout and act offended. Here is how it goes:
Me: I can only stay for a couple of hours.
Her:That soon....oh I was hoping for a longer visit.
Me: I have some errands I need to take care of on the way home.
Her:Like what?
Me:I need to stop for gas.
Her:Okay...that doesn't take long.....
Me:I have to stop at the jewelers and pick up my necklace.
Her:Again, doesn't take long..
Me: I also have to stop by the grocery store...
Her:Weekly shopping or just picking up a few things..?
Me; Picking up a few things.
Her:Not long....
Me:Then I need to pick up the flowers for Mother's grave.
Her: Not long....
Me: Take them to the cemetery...
Her:Not long...
Me:Drive all the way home...
Her:You drive fast.
Me: I don't want to get a ticket.
Her: Your son in law is a state trooper and you know all the city and county officers....you won't get a ticket.
Me:I need to wash my car when I get home....
Her:It's not dirty.
Me: Relax a little before starting dinner.
Her:Is that all.....here is what you do....getting gas doesn't take long, neither does picking up your necklace, dropping by the grocery store for a few things....picking up the flowers and taking them to the cemetery....30 minutes tops.....washing the car is not written in stone.....stop and pick up something to go for dinner....relax on the way home.....and you can stay another 2 hours. Good. Glad that is settled.Now, let me fill you in.....

The relationship seems more and more 1 sided to me. Is that wrong? Am I wrong?We have had some very good times over the years. We have a past and history together. We have been through a lot together and that does mean something to me. But more and more I feel "put upon". She hates to be alone. I don't mind being alone. There is a big difference in being alone and being lonely. A few years ago she got on a roll about us sharing a house together. Oh she had it all planned out. I knew there was no way that would ever happen. She would be in my face 24/7. My privacy would be a fleeting memory. She finally let that go thank goodness.

Why can't I tell her? One reason is I don't like confrontation. Perhaps another reason is the way I was raised to always be polite and considerate. Those are things that were pounded into my head. Manners.....Manners....Manners. There are just some things you don't do lest you be marked as "....having no manners.." Because that reflects back on the way you were raised.


The truth is, I can count on 1 hand the number of close female friends I have had thus far in my life and still have fingers left over. From the time I was little most of my close/best friends were and continue to be male. One reason this experience here on Blogstream has been so mentally and emotionally fulfilling are the friendships and the bond I feel with the ladies here. In a way it is something new to me. Something I missed. It feels very different to me and not just because it is Internet based. I feel a give and take here that is missing in the non Internet world.

My question to you is this: What should I do? Do I need to explain my feelings to her? I don't know how I can without hurting her and that I don't want to do. Yet on the other hand, this is beginning to cause stress for me.

Many years ago I was given another persons insight about my friend: "She is not happy unless everyone is kissing her a$$, and she always wants and needs to be the center of attention and focal point". I brushed it off at the time. The Yankee has witnessed first hand some of these things. Many times. When we first started seeing one another over 11 years ago, very often the 3 of us could be found at the local coffee shop where she would take over and monopolize the conversation. Always about her. That didn't bother me too much then. I was content just to sit beside him and feel my hand in his. We didn't get to see each other that often, maybe twice a week for a couple of hours so this time was precious. As time passed we began trying to meet without her, just the two of us for some seriously needed alone time. There was no way we could have a conversation with her present. If we did say over 3 sentences to one another her mood would change,a scowl on her face and she would act insulted:
"Well, I can see I'm not needed here."
"I feel like a third wheel."
"I'll just go home so ya'll can be alone"

We arranged one night to meet at our regular place without her. I wouldn't tell her I was coming into town. We had only been sitting in our booth no more than 10 minutes when she arrived, rushing in the door, taking a seat and commenced to talking....babbling a mile a minute. I was so angry! She knew he was on a schedule and his time was limited. 5 minutes before he had to leave, she excused herself by saying, "I'll be good and give ya'll some alone time." Gee....thanks.....5 whole minutes! Turns out, she called the house and couldn't reach me on the phone and just "...had a feeling..." that I may be with him. That incident still burns me up each time I think about it and it wasn't the last time.

Maybe I just needed to vent here today and perhaps a better question is this: What would you do?


Later Ya'll...^Belle^

I have been mentally working on my Friday Five all day with no luck. A message from Peachy directing me to her blog to take a quiz gave me an easy button.

She challenged her fellow streamers to copy and paste the quiz and post it on their blog. That is just what I have done. So, answer any five of them here...or all if you want. Thanks Peachy!

1. What is your occupation? Dispenser of chaos, panic and disorder.

2. What color is your underwear? I assume you mean the ones folded away in my drawer 'cause at the moment I don't have any on.^Blush^

3. What are you listening to right now? Tchaikovsky:Symphony No.41 in C.

4. What was the last thing you ate? Blackened Chicken Breast,salad with garden fresh roma tomatoes,baked potato with sour cream and bacon bits, and 1 spoonful of Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey ice cream.

5. Do you wish on stars? Yes.

6 If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Crimson like the Crimson Tide.

7 How is the weather right now? Weather bug says it is 71 degrees...I see stars out the window so it must be a clear night.

8 Last person you spoke to on the phone? My friend Bev who prattled on and on and on and on and on......for over 2 hours!

9 Do you like the person who sent this to you? YES...She is a Peach!

10 Favorite drink? Regular Coke but I drink Diet Coke with Lime most of the time.

11 Favorite sport to watch? University of Alabama football...ROLL TIDE ROLL....!

12 Have you ever dyed your hair? Yes.

13 Do you wear contacts or glasses? Both.

14 Pets? 2 outside cats,2 outside dogs, and 4 spoiled rotten Rat Terriers.

15 Favorite month? I would say September because it is my birth month, but since I am no longer having birthdays, I'll say July...my grandson and Mother's birth month.

16 Favorite food? Seafood.

17 What was the last movie you watched? Love's Enduring Promise.

18 Favorite day of the year? Any day I get to spend with The Yankee.

19 Favorite Nickname? Well, the nickname, "Rocky" goes way back and very few people call me that anymore, but I kinda like ^Belle^.

20 Most daring thing you have ever done? Got a tattoo.

21 Hugs or kisses? from who?? Kisses from The Yankee.

22 Cherry or blueberry? Can I say neither? Oh well...cherry I guess.

24 When was the last time you cried? Today.

25 What is on the floor of your closet? Geez....which closet...? In my bedroom closet there are SEVERAL large plastic containers for purses and handbags, bins for shoes and a 8 drawer stackable unit for all my jewerly that will not fit in the jewerly boxes.

26 What did you do last night? Spent 2 1/2 hours on the phone with Bev.....(somebody save me!!!!) Took down all of my antique glassware, dishes and knick knacks and washed them.

27 Favorite smell? My grandson right after a bath.

28. What inspires you? Love.

29. What are you most afraid of? Spiders....that is why I can't go back to Six's blog until she post something else.

30. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers? Plain.

31. Favorite car? Black 1976 Pontiac Trans Am like Burt drove in Smokey and The Bandit.

32 Favorite dog breed? 3 way tie....Rat Terriers/Eskimo Spitz/German Shepperd.

33 Number of keys on your key ring? 7.

35 Favorite day of the week? Saturday

36 How many cities/towns have you lived in? Only lived in a city (if you can call it that) 3 times...twice when I was little and when I married...other than that I am a county girl...and there are no towns here in the sticks.

37 What is the thing you really want at this moment? More Chunky Monkey ice cream.....

38 What do you currently love doing most? The Yankee....

39 what time is it? 11:10 pm Central time.

40 What is one thing that bugs you? Drivers on the interstate that stay in the left lane. Truckers call them "Hammer Lane Hogs".

Later Ya'll...^Belle^