A man died and went to heaven. Upon opening his eyes the very first thing he sees is this imposing figure wearing a hounds tooth hat and walking on the water.
"Is that Bear Bryant?" He asks the angel standing near him.
"No. That's God. He just thinks he's Bear Bryant."
***
Fall is almost here and in the South that means 1 thing and 1 thing only;COLLEGE FOOTBALL. It's all about the SEC. In Alabama the state will be split down the middle as fans pledge allegiance to the University of Alabama (Roll Tide) or Auburn University( war eagle). In fact, one of the first things a daughter or son will tell the parents about their sweetie is which way they swing....meaning do they roll with The Tide or fly with the Eagle.
I was raised on Alabama football. Even before ESPN, game day was a big deal. I grew up watching The Bear (moment of silence please) and those Bama boys. In the world of pro football the lines were not as clearly divided. I pulled for the teams with an Alabama connection: New York Jets-Joe Namath (swoon)Oakland Raiders- Kenny "The Snake" Stabler to name but a few. Recently it is the Seahawks and that has everything to do with Shaun Alexander "The Great".
I will never ever forget attending my very first University of Alabama football game at Bryant-Denny Stadium. This was in the year 1981 and The Bear was marching toward number 315....which would happen against arch rival-Auburn. We were playing Ol' Miss. It was a crisp Saturday afternoon in Tuscaloosa. The Million Dollar Band fired up Yea,Alabama, our fight song. That song always gives me chills, and especially so on this day as a sea of crimson jerseys ran onto the field. Then, suddenly, there he was, wearing a jacket and his trademark hounds tooth hat. I am not ashamed to admit that this Southern Belle cried. I watched Coach Bryant more than the game. We put a good sound beating on Ol' MIss that day.
Anyone who knows me, also knows that when football season starts, my Saturday's are planned around game time. If you call during the game, don't expect me to answer the phone. I will call you back at half time or after the game is over. I turn down the network play by play guys and turn up my stereo listening to Eli Gold and Kenny "The Snake" Stabler call the game.
I have to note that The Yankee is an Alabama fan also.
Mike Shula, a former Alabama player is our Head Coach now...and a darn good lookin' one too!
The Difference In Football
Between the North and South
WOMEN'S ATTIRE
Up North: Chapstick in their back pocket and a $20 bill in their front pocket.
Down South: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, powder, mascara (waterproof), concealer, and a fifth of bourbon. Wallet not necessary, that's what dates are for.
STADIUM SIZE
Up North: College football stadiums hold 20,000.
Down South: High School football stadiums hold 20,000.
FATHERS
Up North: Expect their daughter to understand Sylvia Plath.
Down South: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.
ATTIRE
Up North: Male and female alike: woolly sweater or sweatshirt and jeans.
Down South: Male - press khakis, oxford shirt, cap with frat logo, Justin Ropers. Female - ankle-length skirt, coordinated cardigan, flat riding boots, oxford shirt.
ALUMNI
Up North: Take prospects on sailing trips before they join the law firm.
Down South: Take prospects on fishing trip so they don't leave for the NFL their senior year.
CAMPUS DECOR
Up North: Statues of founding fathers.
Down South: Statues of Heisman Trophy winners.
HOMECOMING QUEEN
Up North: Also a Physics Major
Down South: Also Miss USA.
HEROES
Up North: Mario Cuomo
Down South: "Bear" Bryant
GETTING TICKETS
Up North: 5 minutes before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and still purchase tickets.
Down South: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and still be placed on the waiting list for tickets.
FRIDAY CLASSES AFTER A THURSDAY NIGHT GAME
Up North: Students and Teachers are not sure if they are going because they have class on Friday.
Down south: Teachers cancel class on Friday because they don't want to see the few hungover students that might actually make it to class on Friday.
PARKING
Up North: An hour before game time the University opens the campus for game parking.
Down South: RV's sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The real faithful begin arriving on Tuesday.
GAME DAY
Up North: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
Down South: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting on Game Day "live" to get on camera and wave to all the Yankees up North who wonder why game day is never broadcast from their campus.
TAILGATING
Up North: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
Down South: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by Jerry Jeff Walker, who comes over during breaks and ask for a hit off your bottle of bourbon.
GETTING TO THE STADIUM
Up North: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in with no line.
Down South: When your near it, you'll hear it. On game day, it becomes the state's third largest city.
CONCESSIONS
Up North: Drinks served in a paper cup filled to the top with soda.
Down South: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team's mascot--filled less than halfway to ensure enough room for bourbon.
WHEN NATIONAL ANTHEM IS PLAYED
Up North: Stands are less than half full.
Down South: 100,000 fans sing along in perfect 3-part harmony.
THE SMELL IN THE AIR AFTER THE FIRST SCORE
Up North: Nothing Changes!
Down South: Fireworks with a twist of bourbon.
COMMENTARY (MALE)
Up North: "Nice Play."
Down South: "Dammit you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs!!!"
COMMENTARY (FEMALE)
Up North: "My, this is a violent sport."
Down South: "Dammit you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs!!!"
ANNOUNCERS
Up North: Paid.
Down South: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.
AFTER THE GAME
Up North: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
Down South: Another rack of ribs on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, planning begins for next week's game.
FIGHTSONGLater Ya'll and ROLL.....TIDE.....ROLL.....^Belle^
) Ass in Love
)-Up Your Ass-Lucy
)-Crazy Ass-Zappa Fan
)- Sleeping ass-Zappa Fan
)-Go shove an x-mas tree up your ass
let's just say it involves The Yankee.
