I am still caught up in the magic that took place here yesterday. For so very long I have emotionally and mentally numbed myself on my birthday. That leaves you feeling cold and alone. I started out feeling that way Thursday morning. But by Thursday night, I felt warm and surrounded.
Friday morning I woke up and something inside me felt different. I felt like perhaps I had opened an emotional door ever so slightly. I spent the day deep in thought. Acknowledging things to myself that I have long ignored. More times than I can count I have stopped by the frig to read a portion of a comment left by Prank: "...to conquer that which haunts us we must confront it and face it." Those words have resounded inside me all day long, over and over. As I wrote Thursday's post, I felt like maybe.....perhaps....I could take teeny, tiny steps out of the shadows. But right now...I feel like saying, "Screw it" and just jumping out all at once. What a difference a day makes!
I wasn't always this way. I remember vividly the person I was. Over the years from time to time I have seen glimpses of her. During those rare moments when I would let down my mental and emotional guard.
Back then I trusted easily. I didn't know any better because my world was perfect. People didn't die. In my world there was no such thing as rape. Husbands didn't beat their wives or verbally berate and degrade them. Mother's didn't die much too young. People didn't use and abuse you. Home was a more than just mortar and bricks, it was a feeling of love,safety and security. Yet somehow for reasons I can't explain my perfect world turned into HELL.
I withdrew more and more each day. Retreating farther into the dark shadow. I didn't trust anyone. I didn't lean on anyone. I didn't confide in anyone. How could I when people come and go from your life? Sometimes through death. Sometimes by choice.
The "Ice Princess" was born and her motto was never let them see you sweat. Never EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES let anyone know they have hurt you. Just brush it off, sweep it into the shadow. Put on your poker face. Never show your soft spot, because once that is exposed, people know how to get you. And that was unacceptable. You don't get me. You don't know me. You don't see me. You know what I want you to know. You see what I want you to see and nothing else. Period. End of story.
My life was all a lie. To the outside world I had it pretty good. I managed to marry the most eligible bachelor in a 5 county area. A much older man that had never been married and still lived at home with his parents (HELLO.....ANYBODY HOME).A man that every middle aged woman was trying to get their hooks into. A hook that was destined for a trip down the aisle ending in "I now pronounce you husband and wife". But I.....I......I......I.....was the lucky one (Oh yeah. Now tell me the one about the Goldilocks and The Three Bears).
I would often wonder how many of them envied me and the life/relationship they THOUGHT I had? You couldn't sling a dead cat without hitting someone he had slept with, so constantly I was running into them. I saw the way they looked at me. I even shrugged off the barbs and insults launched against me in public places by them. If only they knew! Yeah, I married a Prince alright.....as in the Prince of Darkness!
The abuse began when I was 8 months pregnant with our first child. It was August in Alabama and hot as hell. He wanted to go to his parents house for a visit. They didn't have air conditioning and I knew his mother had been canning things from the garden all day long. There was no way I was going to go and sit in that steaming hot kitchen and be miserable. I informed him I would be staying home with the air conditioner but he was more than welcome to go alone and enjoy himself. That wasn't acceptable and so it began. Ending with him throwing me down on a spare bed in the nursery,putting his hands around my throat and threatening to break my
f---ing neck.
Needless to say I was shocked. I had lead a sheltered life. And I guess I was a little naive. So, on the way to his mother's I told myself it didn't happen. But it did. And I couldn't ignore it. Often I had wondered how any self respecting woman would stay even 1 second with a man like that. Now I know why. You numb yourself mentally and emotionally. You accept the blame for the violence and abuse. After all, he didn't mean to, or you pushed him into it. You are too ashamed to admit to yourself much less to anyone else what has happened. So you don't. You keep it inside.
Very quickly I noted how pleased he would seem with himself at the fear in my eyes, or tears. I decided not to give him the satisfaction. Oh there were times I was scared to death. But he never saw it. There were many times I cried. But he never saw that either. All he saw was the Ice Princess. And as you can imagine, that only made things worse. He wanted a reaction. Was looking for a reaction. But he didn't get one. I never ever ran from him. He would never ever break me. Or, so I thought. But he did. In a hundred little ways he did.
This is about the time where I would erase and delete all of the above. But since as Six said, I have had a "re-birth", I don't think I will. There are many, many things I am in the process of learning. Even though this is a baby step out of the shadow, it is a step.I could write all of this in my journal I suppose, but, if I did, I wouldn't have to "...confront it and face it...."
The past 4 years I have been on a journey of self discovery. I can admit that I am not made of stone. The "Ice Princess" was only a mask I wore. I hurt and I cry. There are things I can't handle alone. There are times I need someone to be there for me. I need a rock, a haven, a port in the storm. There are times when I am scared. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night with my heart pounding being held hostage in a nightmare of the past. I remember when I was little how Daddy would wrap me up in his arms when I was hurt or afraid. His strength became my strength.
Just the other day he asked me what was wrong. "I need to be petted." I told him sounding more like a little girl than someone's grandmother. His blue eyes twinkled. "Well, you are a little too old to be sitting in my lap, how about a hug?" We were sitting on the sun porch side by side. He stretched out his arm and I leaned in putting my head on his shoulder. "You're still my little girl" he said as I tried not to cry. But it felt good. It felt so good. It reconnected me to the past right there in the present. A special moment between father and daughter. A moment I would have missed years ago. I guess I need to lean more often.
Later Ya'll.....^Belle^
Then it was Burt Reynolds for about the next 10 years. 
