No matter how dark things seem, there will always be a light.
Goodbye to one thing, means hello to something else.
You close 1 door to open another.

Years and years of denial are hard to break through. And even harder to overcome.

You can only lie to yourself and pretend for so long. Sooner or later the truth will sneak up on you, kick you in the butt and put you down for the count.

Over the past couple of weeks I have opened emotional doors. Things came out into the open. Other things, like reality, stepped inside.

Sometimes reality is not pretty. It's not the reality we want. It's time to pack up and move from Fantasy Island.

In order to continue on this journey, I need to keep the door wide open. Taking the good with the bad. Replacing fantasy, dreams and wishful thinking with truth. Replacing question marks with periods. Letting go of what could be and embracing what is.

I feel like I have been holding a pair of dice in my hand and shaking them for much too long......and I'm thinking, it's finally time to roll them and see where they land. At least then, I will know where I am and what I have to deal with......The Good, The Bad....The ugly truth.

Later Ya'll....^Belle^

I realize this may not be everyone's cup of tea, but I was raised in and around Southern Gospel music. I fell in love with this song the very first time I heard it. It reminds me of all those I love that are no longer with us. Today would have been the 50th birthday of the young man who gave me the onyx ring I posted about. Happy Birthday "Big B". The song didn't play so I deleted it.

"In a New York minute.....everything can change..." -The Eagles

In a split second life can change, altering everything you thought to be true. There are turning points, moments that live forever. Moments that you can revisit over and over again that take on a life of their own.

One such moment happened to me in 1995 on a cloudless starry spring night. My life would never be the same. I couldn't begin to imagine then how drastically and sudden the change would begin.

In that moment, standing face to face with him, the journey began. A journey to self discovery. He stirred me as no one else ever had. Or will. In short order the thawing of the "Ice Princess" began. Without even trying he made contact with the real me hidden under years and layers of denial. In him I found everything I would ever need and all that I wanted. No matter how hard I tried to deny and fight it, from that moment on, all roads started and ended with him.

I began to see things in a different way and through new eyes. It's been a long road with many ups and downs, on's and off's, in's and out's. But never once, since our eyes met for the first time has the bond between us been broken or severed. No matter what I always feel and carry him.....carry "us" inside me.

I found myself today standing in the spot where we first met. In many ways it seems like a lifetime ago. But today it felt very close. I could see him walking across the parking lot that night. I could feel the way my heart beat faster and faster as he came near me, the way it pounded as he stood in front of me. The way my body,mind and emotions responded scaring me so badly that I grabbed Bev's hand and sought refuge in the restroom to try to regain my composure. Secretly hoping that when we returned he would be gone. But he wasn't.

Over the next couple of months I would find myself lost in that moment. Glad on one hand that I had escaped without exchanging phone numbers or even knowing his name. Followed quickly by this burning desire and driving need that I could not explain to see him again. Trying to convince myself that I was nuts and I had only been taken over by a giant case of nerves.

Still, almost every moment was filled with thoughts of him. Most of you know the story about how fate and destiny intervened in an amazing way to bring us together once more. (If you don't, I'll include a link at the end of this post). My heart jumped once more at the sight of him, and I came alive when he touched my wrist with his hand.

I would have to wait a long 5 days for the eagerly anticipated kiss that would tell the tale. Now, all these years later, I still get butterflies when he walks into a room and weak in the knees when he kisses me. In a New York minute this Alabama girl's life was changed forever.






HANDS OF FATE

Later Ya'll....^Belle^

Time for the Friday Five, you know the drill, answer any 5 or go nuts and answer them all.....

1- 3 Things you ate last?

Blackened Tilapia,salad,baked potato

2-Favorite mall store?

Bath and Body Works

3-Best Kisser?

The Yankee

4-Most hated food?

LIVER.

5-Last concert attended?

The Eagles

6-Favorite Restaurant?

There is this Mexican place (owned and operated by Chinese people) just over the state line in Jawgah. I usually go there every Saturday night.

7-Thing you never leave home without?

Makeup.

8-Sinful snacking weakness?

Chips and homemade dip, or Oreos dipped in Kool Whip.

9-What would you do if you could be the opposite sex for 1 day?

Pee standing up and find out once and for all what the Men's room looks like. Although, if I were a male, I don't think I would take a whiz with the other guys all lined up in a row.

10-Black or blue pens?

Blue

11-Favorite boardgame?

Trivial Pursuit

12-Your heritage?

Being adopted I can't really say for certain, but going by last names: Irish/Scottish/Italian and French.

13-Describe yourself in 3 words?

Female/Southern/In love with a damn Yankee

14-Describe your partner in 3 words?

Yankee/Doodle/Dandy.......add handsome,sweet and sexy to the list.

15-How much would it cost for you to flash someone you don't know?

Nothing, because I wouldn't do it. I only flash for The Yankee (free of charge)

16-Which finger is your favorite?

The Yankee's.

17-Pick a lyric from any song?

You are the love of my life....you are the reason I'm alive.

18- You have just won the lottery, what is your first purchase?

1976 Black Trans Am (Smokey and The Bandit style) for me and a Harley for The Yankee.

19-Was your last dream pleasant, sexy,kinky, funny or scary?

Sexy.....

20-Worst thing anyone ever said to you?

I now pronounce you husband and wife.
*****

Donuts sent me a link after reading the post below about gems and their meanings. I looked up "onyx" and a chill ran over me as I read the following:

Onyx
Encourages good fortune, enhances self-control, stimulates divisiveness.
Physical: Strengthens the center of the skeletal system. Allows for internal support of outer desires.
Emotional: Banishes grief and allows one to separate with grace and ease. Assists one in becoming the orchestrator of one’s future. Helps one to recognize one’s strengths and to utilize them to one’s best interest.
Thanks Donuts!

******

I have decided to leave my comfort zone today and take it for a test drive. I'll catch up with ya'll later tonight for poker. At last count, I do believe I was ahead so put on your game face and get ready to rock n roll.

Later Ya'll....^Belle^

In my possession, and on my finger each and every day is an oval shaped gold, black onyx ring with a diamond in the center. I can close my eyes right now and be transported back to the night I received it. Love Me Tender by Elvis was playing in the background. It was wrapped with crimson colored foil paper. We were sitting in the living room of the home he shared with his parents and younger brother. He was older than me by 6 years. A difference that seemed vast then to certain family members but didn't matter to me. There was a lot of differences. Religion for instance. I was Baptist, he was Catholic. I was Southern, he was a sure enough Yankee born in the Bronx to an Italian mother and a Southern Baptist father.

Besides his obvious physical attributes (tall,dark and handsome) he was just as beautiful on the inside. When people would ask about his accent, he would identify himself as an Italian Southern Gent. He was a man of action. He had a plan for his life and that plan included me. I was hesitant to open the box, afraid of what might be inside. I knew there was no way my Daddy would allow his 16 year old daughter to wear an engagement ring. So, I was relieved to discover a black onyx ring inside.

I remember his promise to replace it after I graduated from high school with a diamond engagement ring. "Just as large and sparkly as you want", he teased. I didn't care about that. A cigar band would have been fine and meant just as much.

I remember what he said as he took it out of the box and put it on my ring finger. Each time I looked at it I would hear his voice and go back to that perfect moment with my first love.

Not long after that I would sit in that very same living room as arrangements were made for his funeral. I would look at the ring and feel his presence. I would feel the way he cared about and loved me. I would remember how safe I always felt with him.

Our relationship never reached a physical/sexual stage. He thought I was too young and respected my wish to remain a virgin.

I have often regretted that decision. Have often wished I could somehow go back in time. That way, I would have been the one who decided who to give my virginity to. Instead, it was taken from me in the most horrible way one could imagine.

I remember twisting the ring around so I could touch the surface. Trying in vain to bring something of the past into that wretched moment.

Through the years, it has been my touchtone. My comfort. Although I now wear it on my pinky. I still twist it around during times of insecurity, fear and panic to rub it with my thumb, or I rub it with my other hand.

Very often during my husbands rage, the ring became the focal point. It would have made things easier on me if I had stashed it away out of sight somewhere, or maybe given it to my Daddy for safe keeping. He even got angry once when before heading into surgery as I placed it in Mother's hand.

My parents knew nothing about what was going on behind closed doors. My father was a businessman and in politics running for re election. Mother was battling breast cancer. I had to protect them. I had to keep the lie going.

The Yankee is the only one that knows (until now) about the ring rubbing. He knows I do it. He knows why and it never,ever escapes him when I do. There are times when we are together, even though I always feel totally safe and protected with him, something will happen inside me that brings it back. Sometimes it is a sound, a smell, a particular color, a song, a word, or sometimes just a feeling that I can't explain. Sometimes I don't know why the panic and fear wells up inside me, I just know that it does.

One night last summer, out of the blue it happened. We were enjoying some quality time together and as always, I was in heaven being held in his arms. I twisted the ring around to rub it with my thumb. Gently he took my hand in his, holding it up to his lips, then placed my hand on his heart, covering it with his own. There was no need for words or explanations. He said it all without saying a word. The fear and panic passed as I felt the beating of his heart and looked into his eyes. His silent way of saying, "That was then, this is now". It was a perfect moment with my last love.

He can't stop those demons and fears from finding me. But he chases them away once they do.

Later Ya'll....^Belle^