Hello and welcome to the MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE.
If you are suffering from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, press 1, repeatedly.
If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5 & 6.
If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.
If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a Manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press ... no-one will answer.
If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have Bi-polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, please try your call again later.
If you have Low Self Esteem, please hang up. All our operators are far too busy to talk to you. "
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How to keep a healthy level of insanity...Do three of these per day.
( I can totally see myself doing some of these things. I bet you by the end of the week, Randy will have tried at least 2 or 3 of them!)
"Insanity is a tool, use it well." - Robert Clark
- At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
- Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
- Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
- Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
-Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
- In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.'
- Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
- As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
- Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
- Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.
- When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!""3rd time this week!!!"
- When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
- Every time you see a broom, yell "Honey, your mother is here!"
-Follow delivery men around in pure James Bond style, but make it very obvious.
- Belch loudly over the intercom, then ask if anyone wants to hear a fart.
- When the boss starts talking to you, open and drink a bottle of ketchup.
- Wear socks on the outside of your shoes.
- In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!".
-Poke holes in the bottoms of all the styraphome coffee cups in the break room.
FUNNY FARM
Larry & His Missus
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says "Where in the hell have you been?
"He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo." "A tattoo?"
she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disbelief. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow, two, once in a while I like to play with my money, three, I like how money feels in my hand. Lastly instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home. and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
Later Ya'll...^Belle^
