I was hoodwinked on Monday by my daughter into a shopping trip, that I was PROMISED, would not last all day. The plan, as explained to me, was to be at her house at 7 AM. That would mean being up at 5, leaving home at 6:15.
Trooper Junior had an early appointment with his dentist that wouldn't take very long, after which we would hit the road heading for the thrift store, have lunch, stop for her to pick up some diapers and toilet tissue, then head home.
It is well known by most people, and those of you that read this blog, I am a hit and run shoppper. I know what I want, I go in, get it and get out....1 hour is my limit in any 1 store and that is stretching it.
Naturally when I arrive at her home with the clock showing, 6:55 AM, everybody is naked and running wild. In addition to Trooper Junior and Angel, we have added my step grandson, Little Trooper who is 8.
Princess hands over the chore of dressing Trooper Junior and Angel to me. Having their clothes already laid out, all I have to do is dress them. Trooper Junior was first to be dressed and it took less than 5 minutes. Then we get to Angel.
Angel has a new outfit. I compare the little shorts with her fat belly and fatter thighs and just know there is no way this is going to work.
ME-MA: (calling to Princess) Are you sure these shorts are going to fit her?
PRINCESS: Yes, Mama. I checked the size.
ME-MA: Well, you can't always go by size, you have to also look at the way they are cut, and these look very small.
PRINCESS: They will fit.
ME-MA: (under my breath) Whatever you say Miss Thang.
The shirt goes on easily. The shorts are another story; With her jelly rolls, baby fat, not to mention diaper, this is like trying to stuff a 25 pound ham into a 10 pound sack, but I finally made it work.
.
Then we get to the shoes. She has selected thong sandals and I spent a good 5 mintues trying to get Angel to stop curling her toes while trying to get the toe strap between her big and second toe.
All dressed I put her down and she walks into the bathroom where Princess is primping.
PRINCESS: Those shorts are too small.
ME-MA: Ya think?
PRINCESS: Put something else on her.
ME-MA: Good granny.
She calls out instructions about another outfit for her to wear, as well as a change of shoes to match.
ME-MA: Do you know how long it took me to get these sandals on her fat little pigs?
PRINCESS: They don't go with the pink outfit.
ME-MA: Excuse me, but is the paparazzi waiting outside for us?
PRINCESS: I want her to look nice.
ME-MA: What is wrong with the purple outfit I bought her?
PRINCESS: That is a play outfit, not a going somewhere outfit.
We finally make it to the dentist, (10 minutes late), but as promised, it doesn't take long and we are out of there. As a "prize", for being good, Trooper Junior gets a sticker, a green balloon and a goody bag with a car. Me-Ma...HATES balloons. They make me nervous as I anticipate them popping.
Right away, once inside the SUV, Trooper Junior and Angel in the middle, strapped in car seats, Little Trooper in back, wants the balloon and a tug of war begins. The balloon is being pulled back and forth.
I am riding shot gun, fingers in ears.
PRINCESS: (TO ME) What's wrong with you?
ME-MA: Balloons make me nervous.
PRINCESS: What doesn't make you nervous?
Before we can get on the interstate, a trip to the drive thru for breakfast is needed for Princess and her bunch. We then cool our heals in the parking lot for 10 mintues as they gobble up their food. At this point, I am ready to call it a day and go home.
Once on the interstate, tug of war with the balloon starts anew. Little Trooper is laughing, Trooper Junior is screaming and Angel grunts from her seat behind me, demanding another tater tot.
The constant screaming is really starting to get to me, but Princess seems oblivious to it all.
ME-MA: (TO THE BOYS, VERY CALMLY) , Okay, kiddies, we need to use our INSIDE voices.
PRINCESS: Mama, you need to chill.
ME-MA; What I need, is for them to stop screaming.
PRINCESS: They are just kids.
ME-MA: I know, but, you are used to this. I'm not.
PRINCESS: You just need to relax.
ME-MA: (under my breath) What I need is a nerve pill.
PRINCESS: I heard that.
We finally make it to the thrift store and begin the process of getting 2 toddlers out of car seats and deciding who goes with whom. Trooper Junior insist on going with Me-Ma.
Inside the store, she goes one way, I go the other. Right away Trooper Junior takes the sticker off his shirt. It is a big yellow circle, with a big, bright, white smile that says: "I WAS GOOD".
He wants Me-Ma to have it and proceeds to put it smack dab on my left boob.
ME-MA: (taking it off), You keep this. (Put it back on his shirt)
TROOPER JUNIOR: No. Me-Ma wear it. (Puts it back. On the right boob this time)
ME-MA: Me-Ma didn't go to the dentist. This is yours. You earned it by being a good boy.
In the process of passing the sticker back and forth, it hits the floor, only to be picked up on a ladies shoe.
TROOPER JUNIOR: My 'ticker......My 'ticker.
Lucky for me, I just so happen to have a pack of sparkly stickers in my purse. I hand them to him.
ME-MA: Here. Go nuts.
He then begins the process of taking them off, one by one and decorating Me-Ma.
Now, covered with stickers from the neckline to just below the boobs, he has 1 sticker left and wants to put it on my forehead. That is where I draw the line. He puts it on my arm.
An older gentleman stops by to chat with Trooper Junior, who now wants the man to have a sticker of his own. He pulls one from my chest, handing it to him.
I continue to entertain him for over an hour by fulfilling his song request.
TROOPER JUNIOR: Wide a cowboy (SAVE A HORSE, RIDE A COWBOY)
TROOPER JUNIOR: Cwazy song (GUNPOWDER AND LEAD)
TROOPER JUNIOR: I wove you (BARNEY SONG)
TROOPER JUNIOR: A Donk (HONKY TONK BADONKADONK)
TROOPER JUNIOR: Po'Po song (THEME FROM COPS, BAD BOYS,BAD BOYS)
Having gone through my entire Trooper Junior favorites repertoire, we start all over again. Just for grins and giggles I add another tune, which is really more like a prayer:
I WANNA GO HOME.....I WANNA GO HOME....LORD....HOW.....I....WANT.....TO.....GO....HOME...
Closing in on hour 2, I go in search of Princess and the diaper bag, which in addition to snacks and a sippy cup of juice for Angel, includes a bottle of water for Me-Ma. (NOTE TO SELF, NEXT TIME IN ADDITION TO BOTTLE OF WATER, PLEASE INCLUDE VALIUM)
The kids have reached their limit.
Me-Ma has surpassed hers.
ME-MA: How much longer are we going to be here?
PRINCESS: Mama, I swear. You are worse than the kids.
ME-MA: You knew this, before you invited me..
PRINCESS: Good grief.
ME-MA: Look, I might not be much and I'm not the perfect Mother, but, I'm all you got.
PRINCESS: (finally looking at me) Why do you have stickers all over your chest?
ME-MA: Ask your son.
PRINCESS: Did you put stickers on Me-Ma?
TROOPER JUNIOR: No. Her do it.
ME-MA: You little rascal.
Trooper Junior has also entered the tattle tale stage and delights in telling on Me-Ma.
TROOPER JUNIOR: Me-Ma tell me 'hush up'.
PRINCESS: (to Trooper Junior), Well, that's not nice. (to me) Mama, did you tell him to hush up?"
ME-MA: Sure did.
PRINCESS: Mama. Be ashamed.
ME-MA: Would you rather he point and accuse other people of pooting?
TROOPER JUNIOR: (to his mother) You pooted.
PRINCESS: Shhhhhh.
TROOPER JUNIOR: (now laughing and getting louder) MAMA... POOTED.
Other shoppers near by look. Princess, face red, grabs her buggy and tries to get away from us.....But we follow behind her in hot pursuit.
I roll up my nose to Trooper Junior and say, "Shew.....wee...."
TROOPER JUNIOR: MAMA.....YOU POOT.....YOU STINK. (He pinches his little nose)
Angel now begins to curl up her nose as if smelling something most disagreeable.
TROOPER JUNIOR:(chanting) MAMA POOTED....MAMA POOTED......MAMA POOTED.
PRINCESS: (to Trooper Junior) Hush up.
ME-MA: (disgusted), Well....that wasn't nice at all. You should be ashamed.
PRINCESS: (rolling to the check out) Let's go.
ME-MA: (SMILING TO MYSELF) Mission accomplished.
Back to the SUV, with diapers changed, we are once again rolling East bound on I-20.
Once again, tug of war begins with the balloon.
ME-MA: That balloon needs to have an unfortunate "accident".
PRINCESS: Mama, stop.
We discuss where to go for lunch and I don't really care because at this point, I am starvin' like Marvin. Finally deciding on a place, we first must make a swing through the McDonald's drive thru for a chicken nugget Happy Meal for Angel.
Since the place we are going for lunch is right across from the mall, I suddenly find myself sitting in the parking lot, SUV running. The Elmo Potty DVD has been playing non stop since we left. Once it is over, the demand from Trooper Junior to play it again arrives.
Princess,needing to make a quick dash in Victoria's Secret, leaves me in charge of the Three Amigos. Trooper Junior is screaming to play Elmo again. Trouble is, I don't know what to press, so I begin pushing every button in sight, finally hitting the right one.
Kids are screaming......fighting over the balloon. Angel, who has spotted her Happy Meal box on the front console is grunting.
Me-Ma, under the pretense of needing some air, grabs a cigarette and steps outside the SUV. Right away from inside, Angel and Trooper Junior began to cry. I knock on the window, waving to them and they quickly go from crying to "squalin'". I tuck the cigarette back in the pack and climb back inside.
Princess finally arrives back and we are on our way to food. Pulling into the parking lot, Trooper Junior spots 3 Alabama State Trooper cars and begins to scream, "Look, Mommy....Twooper.....it's Daddy...."
His Daddy, is away on his yearly fishing trip with the guys.
PRINCESS: No, son. Daddy isn't here.
Trooper Junior and Angel begin to cry. We go through the process of unbuckling, unstrapping the toddlers from car seats. Walking in the door, we spot a table where 3 State Troopers are enjoying a nice, QUIET lunch.
PRINCESS: Mama, where do you want to sit?
ME-MA: Actually, I was thinking about going over there and confessing to a crime.
PRINCESS: Mama, stop.
Angel, who had napped for a while, is ill as a hornet. Trooper Junior is worked up to a fever pitch.
Little Trooper, coming back from the bathroom,decides it would be fun to come up behind me, poke me in the ribs and scream, scaring the daylights out of me. As an added bonus, I spill Diet Coke on my new WHITE shirt and got choked. I am now entering the, "I'M DONE", stage and the food hasn't even arrived.
When the food finally arrived, I looked across the table at my beautiful daughter, dipping her french fries in tarter sauce, looked next to me as Trooper Junior dipped his fries in MY tarter sauce, while I waited to dip mine in the same container. The waitress refilling glasses noted this also.
WAITRESS: Any chance ya'll are related?
I looked at Princess, she looked at me, we both looked at Trooper Junior, dipping away, and had a "moment". Not a Hallmark moment, but a moment nonetheless.
Fast forward 2 hours and 2 more stores later, we are FINALLY heading to the SUV.....FINALLY heading home. We have survived, more crying and temper tantrums (theirs), 1 melt down (MINE) have searched Target for Angel's "puppy" (her stuffed pink poodle).
I carry Angel around putting her in the car seat, just as Princess opens the other door to put Trooper Junior in his. When she does, the balloon goes sailing out the door, heading up, up, up and away.
TROOPER JUNIOR: My boon.....my boon! Get it Me-Ma....Get it!
I reach for the string, but it is no use.
Princess is staring holes through me, shaking her head. I know she thinks I let it get by me on purpose, but I didn't. I PROMISE I didn't.
Heading back home, everyone is very subdued.
TROOPER JUNIOR: Where my boon, Me-Ma?
ME-MA: It went to Heaven.
TROOPER JUNIOR: Okay, Me-Ma. ELMO.....ELMO......
ME-MA: (under my breath) Geez....
PRINCESS: (Laughing) How you gonna get Elmo to 'Heaven'?
ME-MA: The Muppet Mafia.
After kissing all the GRANDS goodbye and before RUNNING to my car after a very long and loud 8 1/2 hours, these are my parting words to Princess:
ME-MA: Ya'll might not be seeing me for a while.
Later Ya'll...^Belle^
AND A 1977 BLACK PONTIAC TRANS AM
