If it MUST be Monday, then it MUST be time for Dear Belle. Remember, if you have a question from serious to silly, send it to me via a PM. Now, let's get after it....

QUESTION 1-

Dear Belle:

Why do Southern women shop at WalMart with a bazooka over their shoulder?

ANSWER:

SO WE CAN BUST A CAP IN THAT TRIFFLING, SELF CHECK OUT HUSSY, ALSO KNOWN AS BITCH IN THE BOX.

QUESTION 2-

Dear Belle:

What are "cat head" biscuits?

ANSWER:

Cat head biscuits, are simply biscuits the size of a cat's head.

QUESTION 3-

Dear Belle:

I have trouble getting those canned condensed soups out of the can. My mom suggested putting them in the fridge, but that didn't help. Any suggestions?

ANSWER:

SURE DO. AFTER YOU OPEN THE CAN, TAKE A BUTTER KNIFE AND SLIDE IT BETWEEN THE CAN AND THE SOUP. TURN THE CAN UPSIDE DOWN, WITH THE KNIFE STILL INSIDE (YOU MAY HAVE TO MOVE IT UP AND DOWN A BIT),BUT THE SOUP WILL SLIDE RIGHT OUT.

QUESTION 4

Dear Belle:

Why do people from Alabama dislike people from Georgia and vice versa?

ANSWER:

WE DON'T. OH, SURE, THEY GET ON OUR NERVES WHEN THEY COME OVER HERE DRIVING ON OUR INTERSTATES IN THE LEFT (PASSING) LANE, NOT MOVING OVER, HOLDING UP TRAFFIC AND CAUSING ACCIDENTS, BUT WE DON'T HATE ONE ANOTHER.

IT'S KIND OF LIKE SIBLINGS THAT FIGHT FROM TIME TO TIME. BESIDES, GEORGIA FOLKS LOVE ALABAMA FOLKS, WE CROSS THE STATE LINE AND PLAY THE LOTTERY. PLUS, THEY FINALLY REALIZED THAT WERE IT NOT FOR ALABAMA, THEY WOULD BE BESIDE MISSISSIPPI.

QUESTION 5-

Dear Belle:

I think it sounds stupid when you guys say, "ya'll". What do you think about that?

ANSWER:

OH WELL....YA'LL KNOW WHAT THEY SAY.... OPINIONS ARE LIKE A$$ HOLES. EVERYBODY HAS ONE....AND SOME ARE BIGGER THAN OTHERS.
.
..

QUESTION 6:

Dear Belle:

Will you scratch my back?

ANSWER:

Yeah, hold on a sec and let me get my steel wool brush.

QUESTION 7:

Dear Belle:

If it's 5 o'clock somewhere, what time is it now?

ANSWER:

5 O'Clock.

BEST OF: YA'LL AIN'T GONNA BELIEVE THIS

Names ...

Back In The Box?
Puss & Roots?
Pretty Kitty?

TAYLOR

***

Now what about when the roots need touch ups?

DAISY

***

now nobody will know if you're NOT a true blonde!

BELLA

***

What next? Styling gel for down there? Puss 'n' Mousse?

Sorry.

LONE WOLF

***

wonder if you get old enough...it just falls out - You think?

at least someone could save some money

LOOKIN'

***

Well if this stuff sells, they'll no doubt expand the colors: "Beaver Brunette #344", "Bushwacker Blonde #4", "Muff Mellow Yellow #222"....

BRY M

***

"Private Rainbows" for the woman who has everything.....NAWWWWWW

COLO

***

REMEMBER, IF YOU HAVE A QUESTION FOR NEXT MONDAY, SEND IT TO ME VIA A PM.

Later Ya'll...^Belle^

*****WARNING.....THIS POST CONTAINS MATERIAL THAT MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR; CHILDREN, WOMEN WHO ARE EASILY EMBARRASSED AND MEN WHO WANT TO REMAIN IN THE DARK ABOUT THE LENGTHS WOMEN WILL GO TO IN PURSUIT OF "BEAUTY". IN SHORT...IF YOU RUN FROM THE ROOM WHEN A TAMPON OR DOUCHE COMMERCIAL COMES ON....THEN, THIS POST AIN'T FOR YOU.
******* RANDY...THIS POST REQUIRES NO INPUT FROM YOU!

I like keeping ya'll updated on the newest and latest fads, but even this one has me sayin', "Do whut?"

Untold numbers of people get rich by reaching into the wallets of women in their quest to look like the air brushed, rail thin honeys on the cover of magazines.

You can get fake boobs, false eyelashes, press on finger and even TOE nails. You can buy a special pair of "pannies" that will put some "junk" in your trunk, for those of us that are booty challenged and long for just half a portion of what Beyonce has!

In fact....boobs aren't the only thing getting implants, you can now get booty implants.(Can't you just see that on a Christmas list...? Honey, this year I want some juicy doubles to go with the Double D rack you got me last year") Gives new meaning to, Ho....Ho...Ho...

You can change the color of your eyes with colored contacts.You can get a spray on tan. You can wear a girdle to suck stuff in, just to have it pop out somewhere else.

You can have the fat sucked out of your thighs and then turn right around and have injected in your lips. Or take the cheap route and kiss a bumble bee.

With a simple trip to the hair salon or drug store you can go from brunette to blonde in less than an hour.

Now, they have taken the art of hair coloring one step further, in fact, they have taken it down south.

For anyone who has ever worried about "carpet" that doesn't match the "drapes", I have good news for you. Fresh on the market is something called, Brown Betty...a hair coloring for....well...for...."down there".

Yep. You heard it here first. It comes in 5 colors, defined as "classic": BLACK,BROWN,BLONDE,AUBURN, and one called, FUN, which is "...HOT PINK PARTY IN A BOX". Well...that's one way to put it.



Personally, none of those colors appeal to me, but I wouldn't want to look like Bozo either....I'm thinking something in purple.

Who sits around and thinks of this stuff? I think I would have named it something other than Brown Betty....in fact....the first one I thought of is often thrown about 2 word phrase that ends with "teaser"....LOL

Of course this is assuming that you haven't opted for the Telly Savalas look....

How about this for a slogan:

INTRODUCING, BROWN BETTY....NOT JUST A BAKED GOOD ANYMORE.

They may be on to something. I am considering starting my own line for men. Maybe I can get T and Marc to sell it in their store.

So, what about it streamers? What do you think about this product? Would you use it? What would you have named it?

Later Ya'll...^Belle^

It's Friday and you know what that means. Time for the Friday Five. This week with a ROLLER COASTER TWIST. As always, answer any 5 or go hog wild in the corn crib crazy and answer them all. Ready....Have at it....

1-. What kind of cereal is in your cabinet?

NONE RIGHT NOW, UNLESS YOU COUNT A VARIETY PACK OF INSTANT OATMEAL.

2. What kind of milk do you drink most often?

I DON'T. I HATE SWEET MILK. OCCASIONALLY I WILL HAVE A GLASS OF BARBER'S WHOLE BUTTERMILK.

3. What is your TV on right now?

ON THE ACTUAL TV, 2 VOTIVE CANDLES IN CRYSTAL HOLDERS, 2 DREAMSICLES,AND 1 HAND CARVED MARBLE DUCK IN A NEST.

4. What is the next project you need to do at your house?

PUT CARPET IN THE COMPUTER ROOM

5. What kind of computer is in your house?

COMPAQ PRESARIO DESKTOP

6. What kind of soap do you use?

I LOVE THE NEW DIAL, WHITE TEA AND VITAMIN E GLYCERIAN SOAP.

7. What is the last thing you ran out of at your house?

OLIVE OIL

8. What is the last thing you cooked on your stove?

A BIG POT OF HOMEMADE CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP.

9. What drinks could you offer to a visitor at your house right now?

WATER,BUTTERMILK, COKE ZERO,DR PEPPER, SWEET TEA, BUD LITE,TOMATO JUICE

10. What kind of ice cream is in your freezer?

1 GALLON OF CHOCOLATE AND 1 GALLON OF LOWFAT PEACH YOGURT

11. What kind of chips are in your cabinet?

NONE, BUT I DO HAVE SOME PRETZELS.

12. What is in the bottom drawer of your fridge?

POTATOES,ONIONS, CARROTS IN ONE, LETTUCE,PARSELY, GRAPEFRUIT IN THE OTHER.

13.A household chore that you hate?

DUSTING AND PUTTING AWAY CLOTHES.

14. Are there any musical instruments in your house?

YES, I HAVE A KOHLER AND CAMPBELL PIANO THAT MY PARENTS BOUGHT ME WHEN I WAS 8

15-Do you face the labels on your canned goods the same way?

YES.

16-Amusement park nearest your home?

SIX FLAGS OVER GEORGIA. (LESS THAN AN HOUR AWAY)

17-Do you ride roller coasters?

I USED TO.

18-Eyes open or closed?

CLOSED.

19-Arms raised or clutching the bar?

I'M CLUTCHING BABY!

20-First and last roller coaster you were on?

FIRST-SCREAM MACHINE, LAST-MINDBENDER

DON'T FORGET TO PM ME WITH A QUESTION FOR DEAR BELLE ON MONDAY.

Later Ya'll... .

My grandmother's "cat head", buttermilk biscuits were legend. When I got married in 1982, she passed along her recipe, as well as her biscuit making "secret", which was, White Lily Flour.

Flour is a big thing here in the south. It can make or break a recipe. Rarely in a southern kitchen will you find a generic brand of flour. It was White Lily or Martha White. My family was, and still is a White Lily family.

Well....now they have gone and REALLY done it! They have messed with a much loved southern insitution! About a year ago, the J M Smucker Company bought the brand.

THIS IS FROM AN ARTICLE IN THE NEW YORK TIMES:

"FOR generations of Southern bakers, the secret to weightless biscuits has been one simple ingredient passed from grandmother to mother to child: White Lily all-purpose flour.

Biscuit dives and high-end Southern restaurants like Watershed in Atlanta and Blackberry Farm outside Knoxville use it. Blue-ribbon winners at state fair baking contests depend on it. On food lovers’ Web sites, transplanted Southerners share tips on where to find it, and some of them returning from trips back home have been known to attract attention when airport security officers detect a suspicious white dust on their luggage."

White Lily is SOUTHERN and has been milled in downtown Knoxville, Tennessee since 1883. That ended in June of this year, when MOTHER SMUCKER,closed up shop in Knoxville and began producing our BELOVED White Lily in 2 midwest towns.

Shock waves are still rippling through southern kitchens. Some resorted to hording White Lily prior to the June move.

MORE FROM THE NEW YORK TIMES:

"The difference in White Lily flour begins with the kind of wheat it is made from, soft red winter wheat, a low-protein, low-gluten variety. “Protein is the enemy of light, high-rising, delicate baking!” the package says.

Most other all-purpose flour is made from a blend of wheat varieties that differs from region to region and generally has a much higher protein content. “It’s a little bit good for everything, but not that good for anything,” said R. Carl Hoseney, a retired grain science professor at Kansas State University who is now a cereal consultant.

Soft wheat is, in fact, the key to understanding why the South is better known for cakes, biscuits and pie crusts than for yeast breads, which require the strength of high-protein flour. Soft red winter wheat was once grown primarily in the Carolinas, Georgia and Tennessee and, in the days before national food distribution networks, it was the only wheat widely available in the South. Nowadays, Ohio, Indiana and Illinois are among the largest producers."

AND MORE:

"Maribeth Badertscher, a spokeswoman for the company, said the new White Lily was the result of thorough product testing and promised that customers “won’t know the difference.” But in a blind test for The New York Times, two bakers could immediately tell the old from the new."

MARIBETH NEEDS TO SHUT UP!!! Did we know the difference when some pencil pusher decided to change the formula for Coke....? HELL YES!

I would personally like to invite Maribeth down to Alabama for some Snipe hunting.

Just because we talk slow, doesn't mean we are slow! Does she really think those of us who have used White Lily for years won't be able to tell the difference?

What is next....???? Moving Coke headquarters to New York City or Golden Flake potato chips to Jersey, making Moon Pies in California or Bama Jam and Jelly in Wisconsin....?

How about we relocate Coney Island to L.A. (LOWER ALABAMA)..?

The J.M. Smucker Company has stirred up a very large and angry hornets nest!!!

HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE AN ANGRY SOUTHERN WOMAN WITH HEAVY BISCUITS!



Later Ya'll...^Belle^

I'm back for another installment of Dear Belle. Remember, if you have a question from serious to silly, send it to me via a PM. Let's get after it...

QUESTION 1-

Dear Belle:

What is the difference between a redneck and a good old boy?

ANSWER:

First of all, there is a huge misconception that rednecks only reside in the southern portion of the United States. That ain't true....Rednecks are everywhere.

The difference can best be explained like this:

Gomer Pyle-REDNECK
Andy Taylor-GOOD OL'BOY

QUESTION 2-

On a recent trip down south, I fell in love with sweet tea...but just try to get a decent glass UP here. Thought I'd try to make some at home but don't know where to begin. Can you help?

ANSWER:

You have come to the right place. Good ol southern sweet tea begins with your choice of tea. In the south, Red Diamond, Lousianne and Lipton are popular brands. I use Lousianne most of the time, although I have found that store brands are just as good.

For 1 gallon of tea you will need:(1 gallon size bag or 3 quart size bags,(I FIND 4 QUART SIZE BAGS IS TOO STRONG FOR MY TASTE) or 10 small bags)

Pour 2 cups of sugar into a kettle (or boiler, whatever you have handy, I use a kettle), add cold water. Bring it to a rolling boil on the stove. Add the tea bags,cover the kettle (or boiler) and let boil for about 1 minute. Turn off the heat,then let it set for about 15 minutes. Pour tea mixture into a gallon size jug, add water.

(To make sure I get the full effect of the tea, I add water from the kettle with the tea bags still in there).

Some people put a dash of salt or baking soda in the tea, but I HATE THAT, and have never had any complaints about my tea.

You can drink this right away, but it is best after chilled in the fridge.

QUESTION 3

Dear Belle:

Why do you hate Yankees?

ANSWER:

Have you EVER read my blog?

I DON'T hate Yankees. For crying out loud I'm head over hooters in love with one!

Some of my favorite bloggers here on the stream were born and raised, up north: Lucy,BigChris,Six,Daisy,Taylor,Whisp, to name but a few.

QUESTION 4-

Dear Belle:

What time is it?

ANSWER:

Time for you to buy a watch.

QUESTION 5-

Dear Belle:

I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?

ANSWER:

Sure....it's....*** *** ****

BEST OF THE FRIDAY FIVE:

12-The last time you screamed was due to which of the following: Anger,Fear,Pleasure?

I did it to scare someone else. Does that count? -KRISTIN

***

9- If you could conquer one fear, what would it be?

FEAR of insanity...it still creeps up on me...or maybe it's a fear of alzheimers but I forget-COLO
***

I had a hard time picking just 1 of Randy's answers...so here are most of them....

1-What was your safety item (i.e. blankie) from when you were little?

*** A bag of glass! WOOT!

2- Have you ever used food during "whoopie"?

*** Weiners! I love "The View"! She's great on that show!

3-What is your guilty food pleasure? (NO CONNECTION BETWEEN THIS AND THE QUESTION ABOVE)

*** Ritz crackers and vagisil! What?

4-Name a place where you see nervous people?

*** In the mirror!

5-Last thing you fried?

*** My liver! I should send out a text message about it! WOOT!

6-Last thing you changed?

*** My diaper! It was stinky! I'm just saying!

7-What fruit/s, if any are in your fridge?

*** Tonya Harding..... *shrug*

10-I'm serving up double scoop ice cream cone's, what flavor do you want?

*** Sardine and liverwurst! YUMMY!

11-Will that be a regular or sugar cone?

*** I like the cones the vet gives dogs after surgery.

12-The last time you screamed was due to which of the following: Anger,Fear,Pleasure?

*** Pain..... I gave myself an indian burn. *double shrug*

13- When you get up in the middle of the night to use the restroom, do you turn on the bathroom light?

*** THATS why I wear a diaper to bed!

14-Does the state you reside in have a lottery?

*** If confusion had a lottery I'd be a gazzilionaire!

15-You are going to be on a Blogstream edition of Family Feud. Pick 4 bloggers as your team mates.

*** PolarB, Secret, Ron, and Kristin.

16-Pick a blogger to dress up as Uncle Sam.

*** Whit!

17-Are you grilling anything today? If so, what?

*** I'm grilling Secret. WHERE are my buttplugs, missy!?

***

4-Name a place where you see nervous people?

The nervous hospital???? Now why did Randy pop in my head just nowa? -POLARB (SEE HIS ANSWERS ABOVE PB....THAT COULD BE WHY....)


13- When you get up in the middle of the night to use the restroom, do you turn on the bathroom light?

yes...i have bad aim -BIGGIE T

***

16-Pick a blogger to dress up as Uncle Sam.

Mr. Happy-BIGGIE T
***


***

IN CLOSING, I HAVE TO WISH A VERY,HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY GRANDSON, TROOPER JUNIOR. HE IS 3 YEARS OLD TODAY.THIS LITTLE BOY IS ONE OF THE LIGHTS OF MY LIFE. I WAS THERE IN THE DELIVERY ROOM WHEN HE ENTERED THE WORLD AND TOOK HIS VERY FIRST BREATH.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TJ....ME-MA LOVES YOU!




Later Ya'll...^Belle^