Come on in...sit a spell...take your shoes off and have laugh.

**Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
**A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of
the cage along with a recipe.
***
**Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the "F" word?**
**A. Get another sweet little
80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"
***
**Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale???
**A northern fairytale begins, "Once **
**upon a time..."**
**A southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t!"
***
TRUE LOVE

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends'
home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy
preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey,
My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married
almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over
and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these
years, you still call your wife those loving pet names." The old man
hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "Her name
slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her
what it is!"

***

Amazingly simple home remedies:

1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.

2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS
***
One for the girls

Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord
my shape to keep.

Please no wrinkles, Please no bags

And please lift my butt before it sags.

Please no age spots, Please no gray

And as for my belly, Please take it away.

Please keep me healthy, Please keep me young,

And thank you Dear Lord, For all that you've done.

Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to You.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other!

***
Life isn't like a box of chocolates.

It's more like a jar of jalapenos.

What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
***
EVER WONDER WHY.....

When a woman wears a leather dress,
A man's heart beats quicker,
and his throat gets dry,
he goes weak in the knees,
and he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?

Because she smells
like a new truck!
***

GEORGE VS BILL

George W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barbershop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a diferent barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the after shave.

Clinton was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Hillary will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse."

The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?"

Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

***

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART.

IN MEMORY OF PAUL "BEAR" BRYANT
SEPTEMBER 11,1913 - JANUARY 26,1983



I remember exactly where I was on this day 25 years ago, when I heard that our beloved Coach Bryant had passed away.

Folding clothes in the bedroom with my 16 month old daughter, when they broke in with the news. I slumped down on the end of the bed and tears started rolling down my face.

Bryant had coached his last game on December 29,1982, after announcing that he would be stepping down as head coach at the University of Alabama. He died 37 days later of a heart attack. The entire state of Alabama (yes, even Auburn fans), mourned the loss of a great coach and a great man.

Born and raised in Arkansas, he called Alabama "home".

He is gone, but NEVER forgotten.

Thanks for all the memories and the victories we shared. We love and miss you Bear. ROLL TIDE!



Later Ya'll...^Belle^

Yeah, yeah....I know as I post this it's not Friday yet, but, I am meeting friends for dinner tonight, with the possibility of much laughter and a few margarita's.. Seriously....I have MONTHS AND MONTHS of moody blues that I need to shake off.....I'll keep you posted.

It's Friday and you know what that means. Time for the Friday Five. This week, with a bedroom twist. As always, answer any 5 or go cornbread and collard green crazy and answer them all. Ready....Have at it...

1-What is in the trunk of your car?

SPARE TIRE,FLASHLIGHT,BLANKET,BAG OF CLOTHES FOR GOODWILL...WHERE DID THAT BODY GO....?

2- Have you ever had surgery? What?

YES.TONSILS OUT WHEN I WAS 6,PILLIOD SINUS (not where you would imagine it would be),2 C-SECTIONS,D&C,NEEDLE REMOVED FROM ARM (LONG STORY)

3-What is under your bathroom sink?

BATHROOM TISSUE,CLEANERS,AIR FRESHENER

4-WOMEN: How many tubes of lipstick are in your purse? MEN: Do you carry a comb?

2 TUBES OF LIPSTICK,1 LIP GLOSS

5-When is the last time you mopped your kitchen floor?

TODAY

6-Last person you went out to eat with?

WALLY

7-Who was your favorite Golden Girl?

WHICH ONE WAS THE HORN DOG..?

8-Have you ever dressed up as a member of the opposite sex?

YES,ONCE FOR A HALLOWEEN PARTY...AND I WON....

9-Have you ever mooned or flashed someone?

YES

10-Last person who made you cry?

MY DAUGHTER

11-Have you ever been on the radio?

YES

12-Are you scared of snakes?

YES....SO IT IS VERY ODD THAT THE MAN I LOVE HAS 2!

13-Least favorite sport to watch on TV?

GOLF...(Like watching paint dry) and BASKETBALL (the squeaking gets on my nerves)

14- A new recipe you recently tried and loved?

CORNBREAD SALAD. I KNOW IT SOUNDS STRANGE BUT IT WAS SOOOOO GOOD..!

15-Last person you had a dream about?

MILTON BERLE....

16-How many closets are there in your bedroom?

2....AND THAT IS STILL NOT ENOUGH!

17-Do you have a bathroom in your bedroom?

YES

18-What book is on or near your nightstand?

MY MOTHER'S BIBLE IS ON MY NIGHTSTAND,WITH HUNDREDS OF BOOKS NEARBY.

19-Do you sleep with the door open or closed?

OPEN

20-Which side of the bed do you sleep on?

THE LEFT.

Later Ya'll...

Come on in, sit a spell, take your shoes off, and have a laugh.

ADVICE FROM DEAR ABBY:

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter went away to college, he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed: Clueless


Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore! You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of the United States. Act like one!

***

4 RELIGIOUS TRUTHS:

During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these four religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.

***
The Blind Sales Person

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shops to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shops associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind...but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line.

It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter...I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind.

At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who pooted.

Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies," Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
***
FAVORITE QUOTES FROM WOMEN:

MARILYN MONROE:

It's better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone.

It's woman's spirit and mood a man has to stimulate in order to make sex interesting. The real lover is the man who can thrill you by touching your head or smiling into your eyes or just staring into space.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

***

BETTE DAVIS

I've no time for broads who want to rule the world alone. Without men, who'd do up the zipper on the back of your dress?

Why am I so good at playing bitches? I think it's because I'm not a bitch. Maybe that's why Miss Crawford always plays ladies.

***
KATHARINE HEPBURN

Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get — only what you are expecting to give — which is everything. What you will receive in return varies. But it really has no connection with what you give. You give because you love and cannot help giving.

^BELLE^;

I DON'T WANT TO BE A DIVERSION. I WANT TO BE THE DESTINATION.

Later Ya'll...^Belle^

As I said in the post below, snow is not just news in the south, it is BIG news. The potential for snow was the main topic on the local newscast Friday night. Additionally, we were told, beginning at 3 AM Saturday morning, they would be breaking in with weather updates.


Through a strange chain of events, after only sleeping about 2 1/2 hours, I was awake around 5 AM Saturday morning.

Outside...nothing was happening in the way of white stuff that falls from the sky. I flipped on my local Fox station, and there was meteorologist, David Neal, doing exactly what he was doing the night before....talking about snow. David loves snow so much, he has a snow machine at his home to make snow for his and the neighborhood children.

Right away he cut to one of 6 reporters, reporting from various spots around the Birmingham and surrounding areas.

For over 3 hours, I sat and watched as they reported on.....NOTHING. They would cut to each reporter, at least 4 times per hour, to ask what they were seeing and what was happening.

After a while it became hysterical to me, as they were all saying the same thing every time....THERE IS NOTHING TO REPORT...!!!! The disgust on 1 reporters face was especially amusing. You could tell they were not saying what they really wanted to say.



So, I am taking this opportunity to read between the lines.

Reporter 1-MICKEY. Also a meteorologist. He does the morning and noon weather reports and is a HOOT.. He is stationed in Clanton.

Reporter 2: KELVIN. He does local news stories, and is reporting from Tuscaloosa.

Reporter 3: RONDA. She does consumer reports. She is reporting from downtown Five Points, in front of a Starbucks.

Reporter 4: ASHLEY. She does local news stories and is reporting from a park in Hoover.

Reporter 5: CHRISTIE. She also does local news stories and is reporting from Talladega. Christie is MEGA excited about the possibility of snow, as she was born and raised in Florida. So eager to make and throw snowballs, that during a brief period of snow, she turned her umbrella upside down to catch enough flakes to make a snowball,which she keeps and holds up each time she goes on the air. Finally she can't stand it anymore and throws it in the camera.

Reporter 6: FRED. Also a meteorologist, he is reporting from right outside the station in the parking lot.
****************************

DAVID: Okay, right now, we are going to Mickey in Clanton. Mickey, what can you tell us?

MICKEY: (Cut to Mickey standing near an intersection with a great view of the parking lot.) Well, David, not much has changed since the last time you asked.

DAVID: What do you see Mickey?

MICKEY: I see the camera man. But the topic of the hour is what I DON'T see and that is snow.

DAVID: Looking at the radar Mickey, and I think you will be seeing some snow soon.

MICKEY: Well....it's 7 AM right now, I've been out here since 3 this morning, telling you the same thing over and over.....

DAVID: Is anyone out and about right now, Mickey?

MICKEY: Yes, as a matter of fact they are. Some very nice people have dropped by bringing us sausage and biscuits, coffee and hot cocoa.

DAVID: That's great Mickey. Nice to hear that the folks are taking care of you.

MICKEY: Yeah. But, I tell you what, all this coffee and hot cocoa....I'm gonna have to find a porta potty soon.

DAVID: Just be patient Mickey. The snow is on the way.

MICKEY: I hope so David, because right now, as far as things happening and having anything to report on, we are between diddly and squat.

DAVID: Okay Mickey, thanks. Now, let's go to Kelvin in Tuscaloosa. Kelvin....can you hear me?

KELVIN: Yes, fool, I hear you just fine.

DAVID: Kelvin, what is happening over there in T-Town.

KELVIN: Same thing that has been happening for the past 3 hours.....NOTHING.

DAVID: Radar is indicating snow coming in from Mississippi and you should be seeing some very soon.

KELVIN: Look Bro....I have been out here since 3 this morning. I'm cold, tired and hungry. Mickey over there in Clanton and folks are bringing him food......ain't nobody brought me a thing.

DAVID: Anybody out and about right now, Kelvin?

KELVIN: Yeah, 2 fools came up in here a few minutes ago, wearing short sleeved shirts and wanting my jacket.

DAVID: Well, Kelvin, we'll come back to you.....

KELVIN: Listen man....you got peanut butter in your ears.....? NOTHING IS HAPPENING. I am standing here in front of an empty street, reporting that there is NOTHING to report on. I ain't seeing nothing.....I ain't hearing nothing. Mickey over there reporting on diddly and squat and I'm here between slim and none.....

DAVID: Okay, we'll get back to Kelvin in a moment. Let's go to Ashley in Hoover. Ashley can you hear me...?

ASHLEY: Yes.

DAVID: What do you see Ashley....what's going on in Hoover?

ASHLEY: Nothing.

DAVID: Well.....uummm....ah.....hey....remember the blizzard of 1993.....?

ASHLEY:Yes.

DAVID: You were talking about making snow angels?

ASHLEY: Yes.

DAVID: Well...how about making one for us now?

ASHLEY; It's not snowing David.

DAVID: Okay, let's go to......Ronda. Ronda...what can you tell me?

RONDA: Nothing you don't know yourself and haven't heard from the others.

DAVID: Well, radar....

RONDA: Yeah, yeah.....I know all about it. The only thing that has changed since the last time I talked to you 13 minutes ago is that I wrote Fox 6 on the back of someone's car.

DAVID: Anyone out and about?

RONDA: Well, Starbucks just opened and I'm fixing to go inside and get warm. Ain't no sense in talking to you. Why we been out here since 3 this morning?

DAVID: Okay Ronda, go get some coffee and we'll talk to you later. Let's go to Fred outside the studio. Fred.....

FRED: Hey David....yeah, I'm outside the studio in the parking lot. I'm going to show the folks at home how to measure snow. (holding up ruler). This is snow from earlier that I am going to measure. (Leans over the guard rail, sticks ruler into snow), Not a lot ...maybe half an inch...and now we are going to do it again in another spot (leans over guard rail)....and then another.....(starts to wobble)

DAVID: Be careful Fred.

FRED: (laughing) Hey....ya'll remember when Fred fell off Red Mountain......

DAVID: (laughing) That would be breaking news Fred.

FRED: Yeah, well, at least then we would have something to report on....This is really lame David.

DAVID: Okay, tell you what, let's go to.....let's see who have we not talked to......Oh....Christie in Talladega. Christie....can you hear me....

CHRISTIE: (excited) Yes, David, I'm here.....waiting on the snow....Where is it David...where is the snow...?

DAVID: Did you hear Ashley talking about the blizzard of 1993?

CHRISTIE: Yes, I did and I am so jealous. I remember that and while she was outside making snow angels, we were wearing bathing suits. I wanna make a snow angel....

DAVID: Snow is on the way according to radar.

CHRISTIE: Goody....goody....goody......Hey....David....wanna see my snowball I made...?

(The other reporters can be heard over the air)

MICKEY: I need a porta potty.

KELVIN: That fool better not ask me one more time what is happening.

RONDA: Somebody needs to slap Christie.

ASHLEY: I wish I was in Florida.

FRED: Helppppppp.............

DAVID: Folks, we are breaking in on the snow coverage to bring you this news bulletin....Fred has just fell to the bottom of Red Mountain. Crews are on the way to the scene......What....? Oh. Folks, I have just been informed that a crew is not available to cover Fred's fall because all of our reporters are out in the field covering the snow........

MICKEY: It's NOT snowing David!

KELVIN: I'm gonna kill him!

ASHLEY: Forget this. I'm going to Florida.

CHRISTIE: SNOWBALL FIGHT.....

RONDA: That does it......SLAP HER....SLAP HER.....SLAP HER!

FRED: Helpppppppp........I've fallen and can't get up...........


As a side note, it did FINALLY begin to snow and the reporters were all happy that they finally had something to report on.....)

**************

ON A SERIOUS NOTE:

For more years than I can count, my day has started off by listening to the Rick and Bubba show on the radio. Rick and Bubba are good ol' Alabama boys who grew up in my neighboring county.

Back in the day, my path crossed many times with Rick at Sunshine Skate Center in Oxford,Alabama, and then later at the McDonald's across the road from the high school he attended.

Rick was a DJ at a small radio station before hooking up with Bubba to form, The Rick and Bubba Show.

Rick and Bubba are both Christian men, they are family men. You can listen to their radio show with your children without fear of them hearing something they don't need to hear. You will also...LAUGH. I can't tell you the number of times when driving to work when they would have me laughing so hard, tears were rolling down my cheeks.

What started out as a local morning show, grew and they are now syndicated in over 50 cities.

I learned Sunday afternoon, that Rick's youngest son, 2 year old Bronner, passed away Saturday night. According to news reports, he drowned in the faimly pool.

As a mother and grandmother, I can think of no pain worse than losing a child. Please, keep this family in your thoughts and prayers.My heart is aching for this family right now.

Below is a link to their web site.

RICK AND BUBBA SHOW



Later Ya'll....^Belle^

There is an unspoken rule in the deep south, that at the slightest mention of snow heading in our direction, you must stop whatever you are doing and head directly to the grocery store. Even if you don't need anything.....you MUST go. There are 2 required purchases: MILK AND BREAD.

Once at the grocery store, the first thing you see is a full parking lot. Most of the shoppers inside will be women. Be warned and STAY OUT OF THEIR WAY. They are here on a mission, and curse the fool that gets between them and bread and milk!

They are zigging and zagging around the store, weaving in and out of aisles with all the finese and skill of Dale Earnhardt at Daytona,and they will not hesitate to get under you, get you loose and put you, not in the wall as Dale did, but into the display of Vienna Sausage. While on the subject of Vienna Sausage...allow me to give you a lesson on the proper way (Southern way) to pronounce....Vienna. It is not VEE INN AH, it is, VIE EEEN (rhymes with mean) UH.

Once milk and bread are secure in the buggy,they can slow down the pace and indulge in snow talk with the other shoppers. Talking is not the main objective here but critiquing what everyone else has in their buggy. God forbid that someone else should have a better stocked buggy than yours. That will not be tolerated.

I remember when you had to do all of your shopping at the grocery store. Ours was, Piggly Wiggly....known as The Pig. Any non food items that might be required were all purchased at the same place. But, today, with Wal-Marts, both regualar and Super, and dollar stores everywhere, you have choices. Go to a Super Wal-Mart and get everything there, or go to your local grocery store for the food items, then to a dollar store for batteries, candles etc.

If your home it total electric and the power goes out, you are pretty much screwed.....especially if it stays out for an extended period of time. If you happen to have a gas stove, like I do, even with the power out you can still cook. Plus, that gives you bragging rights over all you friends and neighbors that are total electric, as they moan about having to eat pig skins and Vie eeen uh's while you were chowing down on hot, homemade meals.

If there is ice on the roads, most southerners are smart enough to know their limitations, and one of those is that, we CAN NOT nor do we know how to drive on ice. Still....you will have a few that will attempt it. Those are the ones you see in the ditch, just hoping and praying for a damn yank to come along and pull their pathetic butts out onto the road once again.

Here are a few of my buggy observations of the NON milk and bread kind, from yesterday during MY grocery store run:

CART 1- 3 CASES OF BEER,2 BAGS OF PRETZELS,1 BOX OF CONDOMS

CART 2- 1 JAR OF PICKLED PIGS FEET, BOX OF CRACKERS,3 BOTTLES OF BOONE'S FARM WINE,1 BOX OF CHOCOLATE COVERED CHERRIES, SEVERAL CANS OF POTTED MEAT,VASELINE

CART 3-ADVIL, BEER,CHIPS,COOKIES,WINE,CRISCO

CART 4-BUTTERMILK,BEER,VIENNA SAUSAGE,EXLAX (REALLY...?),TWINKIES,DUCT TAPE,RAZORS AND ROPE.

These are the folks that usually end up in the ditch.

It is after midnight here in the Heart Of Dixie and all eyes will be glued to the TV for late breaking weather frequent updates on the "s" word. Stay tuned.

Later Ya'll...^Belle^