I am in a transition period in my life, sorting through a clutter of not only emotions but people as well. Keeping the emotions and people that bring good things to my life, waving, bye-bye to the emotions and people that bring bad things to my life.

I remember very well the day I picked up the old habit of making big, black X's on my calendar again. I remember why I did it years ago. I knew it would tell a story and convey a message. Something that I already felt inside, but could not fully acknowledge. Yet, when faced with it, how could I do anything other than accept it? I couldn't.

So, with a heavy heart, last year, I once again began making X's. Perhaps at the time I thought the ending would be different.

CHANGES:

At first, I would almost get physically ill. Slowly, that turned into anger. And now, in February, I don't get ill or angry...in fact, I laugh with each new addition.

CHANGES:

At first I was tortured, I couldn't sleep and found it hard to think of anything but those X's staring back at me, silently telling me of my importance and worth. Now....I say, SCREW IT! I don't need another person to define or validate me.Some people do need and require that from another person....What ever works for ya...It just doesn't work for me.


CHANGES:

At first, in the beginning, I wrote and sent many emails, talking about my feelings and thoughts(THAT WAS A GIANT STEP FORWARD). Then, I wrote and did not send, many,many emails talking about my feelings and thoughts (THAT WAS 2 GIANT STEPS BACKWARDS) Now...I haven't written and sent....or written and not sent ANYTHING.(THAT IS 12 STEPS FORWARD!) In fact my, Mail Waiting To Be Sent folder (which was once the destination for above mentioned emails) has been EMPTY since December 31,2007. (ADD ANOTHER 12 STEPS FORWARD)

CHANGES:

At first, I drifted along which every way the boat of life carried me. Trouble was, I wasn't the one deciding which way I went, having handed over that decision to others. Now....I set goals and a deadline for myself, I have a plan for my life.

CHANGES:

At first...and this is SO very hard to admit,at first, I was crushed, shattered. I felt like a FOOL! Each X seemed to mock me. Opening up, sharing myself and my feelings wasn't easy. But, I took a chance. A chance that they would at LEAST be acknowledged if not respected.

Then, when you realize, that it means nothing....it is a short jump to assume that you as well mean nothing. A bitter pill for me to swallow. One that has caused hundreds of sleepless nights spent pacing the floor and more tears than I could ever count.

CHANGES:

If standing up for myself means I am a bitch...then I am a bitch!

If refusing to be convenient means I am a bitch....then I am a bitch!

If refusing to take phone calls because it is not convenient for me means that I am a bitch....then I am a bitch!

If refusing to kiss someone's ass means I am a bitch...then I am a bitch!

If refusing to roll over and play dead means I am a bitch...then I am a bitch!

If refusing to be spoon feed bullshit and swallow it like honey makes me a bitch....then I am a bitch!

If protecting myself,even against people who say they love me means I am a bitch....then I am a bitch!

If expecting to be respected means I am a bitch....then I am a bitch!

If refusing to be played and toyed with means I am a bitch...then I am a bitch!

If refusing to be turned on and off like a f**king light switch makes me a bitch.....then I am a bitch!

If refusing to accept crumbs makes me a bitch...then I am a bitch!

If refusing to be a doormat makes me a bitch....then I am a bitch!

If refusing to accept anything less than 100% makes me a bitch...then I am a bitch!

If refusing to give and give without ever expecting to receive just a little of it back makes me a bitch....then I am a bitch!!!!!!!!!!

If refusing to accept lies as truth makes me a bitch....then I am a bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If refusing to jump around emotionally like checkers on a checker board makes me a bitch....then I am a bitch!

I have a magnet in here on the filing cabinet given to me by a friend that says:

I MAY BE A BITCH, BUT I AM THE PICK OF THE LITTER!

So, what? You may see a negitive bitch....I see a woman hell bent on self preservation!

THERE IS ROOM FOR ONLY 1 BITCH IN MY LIFE, AND I AM IT!!!!!!!!!

EVERYTHING'S COMING UP ROSES FOR VALENTINE'S DAY....

A SPECIAL THANKS TO MISTRESS REBA FOR THE NEW BLOG BACKGROUND....ISN'T IT BEAUTIFUL.....!

Later Ya'll...^Belle^

Myspace Falling Objects

If you ask where I was and what I was doing weeks, or even days ago...I couldn't tell you. But, if you were to ask where I was on this date 23 years ago, I could tell you exactly.

I was in the hospital in premature labor. The baby was scheduled to be delivered by C-Section on March 10, 1985. But, the baby, impatient even then had other plans.

So, totally unprepared, I find myself in the hospital being checked over by my OB/GYN'S partner...that I HATED...!!!

He decided to proceed with a C-Section, all the while I am screaming at any and everyone that comes through the door, to find me another doctor, because:

"I don't want that creep touching me or delivering my baby.I want Dr Smith!"

Had I known he was still in the room at the time, I might have kept my mouth shut considering that he was about to perform major surgery on me.

It all turned out okay, and at 8:01 PM on February 9,1985, my son entered the world.

At least I was awake this time and got to hear his first cry...got to see him within minutes of his birth. I was put to sleep with my daughter and got to see her for the first time 5 1/2 hours later.

Ya'll know how much I love Travis Tritt...Well....it just so happens that Mr Tritt and my son share a birthday. And, despite what some in my family say, it is nothing more than a coincidence.

So, Happy Birthday to 2 of my favorite guys:

"THE BABY" and Travis Tritt.

My daughter's song, the one I always, (and still) sing to her, is My Girl by the Temptations.

My son's song,was/is, You Are My Sunshine. So, in honor of my baby boy, enjoy Ray Charles.

Later Ya'll...

It's Friday and you know what that means. Time for the Friday Five. This week with a Valentine Twist. As always, answer any 5 or go dizzy as a termite in a yo-yo daffy and answer them all. Ready...Have at it...

1- One person you would LOVE to be snowed in with for a couple of days?

DO I REALLY NEED TO TELL YOU.....THE YANKEEALLOWING THAT WE WERE IN THE SAME ZIP CODE THAT IS.

2-One person you would HATE to be snowed in with for a couple of days?

BEV......

3- When you are watching movies at home, are the lights on or off?

OFF

4-Do you talk about your feelings or hide them?

THERE IS 1 PERSON I DON'T HAVE TO HIDE FEELINGS OR CENSOR MY THOUGHTS WITH...OTHERS....WELL,THE LEVEL TO WHICH I SHARE VARIES.

5-Something you don't understand about the opposite sex?

THIS COULD BE A VERY,VERY LONG ANSWER, BUT SEVERAL THINGS COME TO MIND.

-I DON'T UNDERSTAND PULLING,SQUEEZING,SCRATCHING,ADJUSTING AND TUGGING AT THEIR "BOYS", IN PUBLIC.

-I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW THEY CAN FALL ASLEEP AS SOON AS THEIR HEAD HITS THE PILLOW. OR....WHILE TALKING ON THE PHONE...

6-How long do you keep your pajamas on after waking?

DEPENDS. IF I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE RIGHT AWAY, I KEEP THEM ON UNTIL AFTER I FINISH BREAKFAST. (IF I WORE ANY THE NIGHT BEFORE THAT IS). WHICH I HAVE BEEN FOR MONTHS NOW.

7-Last thing you shaved?

HAIR OFF MY BIG TOE....

8-How many chairs are in your living room?

5.....2 RECLINERS, 2 ANTIQUE LADDER BACK CHAIRS, 1 ANTIQUE HIGH BACK CHAIR

9-If you could redo any room in your house, which one would it be?

THE KITCHEN. I WOULD MAKE IT MUCH, MUCH, LARGER.

10-Last thing you baked?

CHICKEN AND VEGGIES

11-Last CD you listened to?

THE BEST OF CONWAY TWITTY

12-Line from one of the songs on the CD mentioned in question 11?

I'LL LET YOU KNOW, HOW MUCH IT MEANS, JUST HAVIN' YOU AROUND....OH DARLIN' HOW I LOVE TO LAY YOU DOWN....

13-A blog comment that made you laugh this week?

OH, WITHOUT A DOUBT IS WAS THIS COMMENT FROM POLARB:

Belle, just came over to check on ya and make sure your pannies didn't blow away in all that horrid wind ya'll got.

Love ya and hope you are safe! POLARB

14-Title of a book that is closest to you?

HOW TO SURVIVE THE LOSS OF A LOVE

15-Last thing you purchased for your home?

NEW WOVEN PLACEMATS FOR THE DINING ROOM TABLE

16-How do you feel about Valentine's Day?

I HATE IT!

17-Any plans for Valentine's Day?

SOME FRIENDS ARE HOSTING AN UN-VALENTINES DAY PARTY THAT SHOULD BE FUN.

18-Do you have a favorite past Valentine's Day?

YES, 1985....MY 5 DAY OLD SON CAME HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL.

19-Did you get anything last Valentine's Day?

BOTTLE OF RALPH PERFUME. CARD AND SMALL BOX OF CANDY FROM MY GRANDCHILDREN, STUFFED TEDDY BEAR FROM MY SON.

20-Any special Valentine's Day memories?

MY SENIOR YEAR IN HIGH SCHOOL...MY BOYFRIEND SENT A DOZEN RED ROSES TO THE SCHOOL ALONG WITH A GIANT TEDDY BEAR.

Later Ya'll...

Ill winds blew across the south Tuesday night and Wednesday morning. At last count, 54 people lost their lives as a result. Tornadoes are a fact of life here in the south. They can and do occur at any time during the year.

Thunderstorms, or "a cloud" as my grandmother called them, and especially tornadoes (..."bad cloud") frightened me as a little girl and as a teenager. I hated waking up in the middle of the night to thunder and lightening and as a result, even up until I got married and moved out, would walk across the hall to my parents bedroom and crawl right smack dab in between them. My parents were close sleepers, always snuggling, so I would bump Daddy on the leg and he would move over making room.

As a newlywed, my husband worked 3ed shift, and it seemed that most bad weather would occur when I was alone. We lived ,in a large basement apartment in town, (rent was 100.00 a month),he worked about half a mile from where we lived.

I remember very clearly the first storm I went through alone. I was 8 months pregnant at the time and scared out of my mind. I slept (or, tried to) in the living room that night because it was the only room that was totally underground.

When Princess, my first born was 6 weeks old, another round of twisters came roaring through the area. As the storm approached, I put my precious bundle in her car seat to keep her secure should the worst happen. The winds began picking up, shaking the window panes. I was kneeling in front of my daughter, ready to throw myself over the car seat, the power went off and things were crashing and banging around outside....It seemed to last forever but was probably only 5 minutes.

After it was over, I cried with relief. Scenes like that would be repeated many times over the years. I can only remember maybe, 4 occasions when he was actually there with us during severe weather.

Anytime a tornado was expected to move through the area during the late night or early morning hours, I wouldn't sleep. I was the "watcher", watching the local TV stations weather updates. More than once I had to wake the children from a sound sleep and usher them into our "storm shelter", which happened to be a large closet.

I always tried to remain calm, even though my heart would be pounding a mile a minute. I remember one night, the 3 of us huddled in the closet. My daughter was crying, wanting her daddy (I wanted mine too!). She looked at me and said:

"Mommy, aren't you scared?"

It reminded me of one night in the late 70's. Daddy was away on a business trip, when the howling wind woke me....along with this loud sound that kept getting closer and closer. I was sleeping with my little brother that night, because he always got scared when daddy wasn't home. I screamed at him to get up and follow me, running up the hall to Mother and Daddy's bedroom, where I jumped, with a flying leap into the bed,followed by my brother. By this time, it felt like the whole house was coming down around us. Mother held us tightly, each one tucked under an arm. A booming sound outside caused me to scream. Mother pushed our heads down,leaned over on top of us, using a large pillow to cover her head.In seconds, it was over and nothing but rain could be heard.

A few years later when taking a stroll down memory lane, I reminded her of that night and asked:

"Mother, weren't you scared?"

"Yes. I was very scared. You won't understand this until you have children, but, love, is stronger than fear."

"Love...?" I asked, not sure what she was saying.

"Yes. Love. The love I have for you and your brother. The need to make you feel safe and protect you was stronger than my fear."

I thought about that today as I sat in my "storm shelter" with the Rat Pack(that is a story in itself!). It passed by quickly and without incident, followed shortly after by answering 5 phone calls back to back to see if I was still in Alabama or had been blown over into Georgia.

I was worried about my daughter, now a grown woman with 2 small babies, alone, knowing how scared she is of thunderstorms and tornadoes. We had talked about this very subject Sunday night as she addressed fears about having to go through something like that at home alone with the children.

She discovered for herself on Wednesday morning that love is stronger than fear.


QUESTION:I had a comment today from a blogger who suggested that I change the background on my blog because it is nearly impossible to read.

I see it just fine, but wonder, does anyone else have a problem reading it?

Later Ya'll...^Belle^

You Are A Lily

You are a nurturer and all around natural therapist. People see you as their rock. And they are able to depend on you. You are a soothing influence. You can make people feel better with a few words. Your caring has more of an impact than even you realize.

Your Heart is Feeling Passionate

Your heart is brimming with passion, intensity, and extreme lust. You definitely have desire for one particular person, and it seems like nothing can squelch your craving. You are ready to walk across fire for the one you love. Deep down, your heart is susceptible to: Distrust and aggression . You're determined to get what you want. Your current outlook on love: Love equals obsession. Love equals mania. Love equals thirst. Your love life will improve if you: Follow your passion far, but not so far as to ruin your life. Watch out for: False feelings. Your emotions are intense, but they could easily mislead you.

Later Ya'll...