This was written by Grady Smothers, Sr. a couple of decades ago...it's as apt now as it ever was, though!
THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
DEPARTMENT OF THE TREASURY
Internal Revenue Service
TO: All Male Taxpayers
FROM: The Internal Revenue Service
SUBJECT: INCREASED TAX PAYMENTS
The only thing the IRS has not yet taxed is your pecker. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is pissed off, 20% of the time it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is employed, but it operates in a hole.
Accordingly, starting January 1, 1990, your pecker will be taxed on its size, using the "Pecker-Checker Scale" below. Determine your category and enter the additional tax under "Other Taxes," page 2, part V, line 69, of your standard income tax return (form 1040).
Pecker-Checker Scale
10-12 inches, Luxury Tax............$100.00
8-10 inches, Pole Tax...............$50.00
6-8 inches, Privilege..............$25.00
4-6 inches, Nuisance Tax...........$10.00
Note: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund. Do not ask for an extension. Males with peckers in excess of 12 inches should file under "Capital Gains."
Sincerely,
Reuben J. Cutchapeckeroff
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*****NOTE TO ALL YANKEES; IN ORDER TO UNDERSTAND THIS JOKE YOU MUST KNOW THAT IN THE SOUTH.....
FAR = FIRE.....Okay....Now please continue.
A Southern Interpretation
In a small southern town I saw a wonderful "Nativity Scene," but one feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.
Unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.
She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'"
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Here is a look at how shrewd American business people translate their slogans into foreign languages:
1. When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in Leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly Naked."
2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."
3. Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."
4. When Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the German market, they were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of "v" is f - which in German is the guttural equivalent of "sexual penetration."
5. Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse.
6. The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. No Va" means "It Does Not Go" in Spanish.
7. When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."
8. Then when Coca-Cola first shipped to China, they named the product something that when pronounced sounded like "Coca-Cola." The only problem was that the characters used meant "Bite The Wax Tadpole." They later changed to a set of characters that mean "Happiness In The Mouth."
9. A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.
10. When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what actually is inside the container since most people can not read.
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In Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."
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American manufacturers of Pet condensed milk introduced their product into French markets without realizing that "pet" in French means "to break wind."
A native English speaker drew laughs from Mexican customers when she offered them samples of Fresca soda pop. "Fresca" means "lesbian" in Mexican slang.
REMINDERS WORTH REMEMBERING
When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. "~ Franklin D. Roosevelt
"What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly."
~ Richard Bach
Later Ya'll...^Belle^
....which brings us to me....I'm not AS young and don't think I would be considered "eye candy" for their followers. Not until they got good and drunk at least.
...most of them will be sound asleep at home in bed anyway. Introducing, Me-Ma....the biscuits and gravy alternative to eye candy.....
