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Today we start a new feature here on INSIDE THE FLAME. I am full of advice and ready to dish it out...so, if you have a question you want answered next Monday, send it to me in a PM. No names will be used unless requested.
Let's dive right in with our first question:
QUESTION:Dear ^Belle^:My husband ALWAYS leaves the toilet seat up. How can I break him of this habit?
ANSWER: Ever hear of Lorena Bobbitt..?
Yeah, that is a little extreme. Here is something that I know from PERSONAL experience will work.
Each time you find the toilet seat up, go outside and raise the hood of his truck or car. Give that about a week, and if it doesn't work, then go take a whiz in his drivers seat. If he gets mad, say: I would have used the bathroom, but the toilet seat was up. Remember that for next time, otherwise it might be more than a whiz.
QUESTION: Dear ^Belle^: How can I get my husband to take out the trash?
ANSWER: That is easy! This, I also know from experience. Go ahead and take out the trash yourself, but instead of putting it in the trash bin, put it in the drivers seat of his truck. Before he leaves for work, he'll either have to take the trash with him, or put it where it goes. 
QUESTION: Dear ^Belle^: What does it mean when my husband is gasping for breath and calling my name?
ANSWER:You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
QUESTION: Dear ^Belle^: How do you keep your significant other from reading your email?
ANSWER: If your significant other is male, label the folder: INSTRUCTION MANUAL.
If your significant other is female, well, it doesn't matter what you label it, because she will search through all of them.
QUESTION: Dear ^Belle^: I want to make my wife the happiest woman in the world. What should I do?
ANSWER: Leave.
QUESTION: Dear ^Belle^: My husband made me really mad and I want to get back at him. What can I do?
ANSWER: Oh....so many choices, so little space. Here is another one I am pulling from my PERSONAL EXPERIENCE FILE.
Wait until he goes into a sound sleep, then paint his finger and toe nails,BRIGHT red. You could stop there, but why would you want to....put a frilly bow in his hair and your prettiest nightgown on top of him, lipstick and blush is a nice touch as well....then...get a cute little doll and wrap his arm around it. Wait....don't stop there.....go grab that camera and take a picture!
(OH HECK YES I DID! STILL HAVE THE PICTURES TO PROVE IT. NOT ONLY THAT, BUT THE PICS STORY CAME UP AT A COMPANY CHRISTMAS PARTY AND HIS BOSS OFFERED ME $100.00 for them)
NOTE:This is easy if he is a sound sleeper, if he isn't, make love to him first and he will be out like a light.(HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A TICKED OFF SOUTHERN BELLE WITH BRAINS!)
QUESTION: Dear ^Belle^: How can I get my husband to talk to me after making love?
ANSWER: Buy him a cell phone.
QUESTION: Dear ^Belle^: Is the way to a man's heart really through his stomach?
ANSWER: No,it's a little farther south.
QUESTION:Dear ^Belle^: In your opinion, what are the biggest lies told by men?
ANSWER: 1-"I will still respect you in the morning" (If you have to ask if he will respect you, you don't know him well enough to take the lid off the nookie jar.Plus...you don't really expect him to say,"NO", do you?)
2-"I was busy". This is the BIGGEST pile of B.S. ever spoken. First of all, if you are in a relationship, and he is consistantly, "too busy", for you....then he is too "busy", for a relationship with you and it is NOT a priority.
People TAKE AND MAKE time for the people and things that are important to them, and if you hear that lame ass excuse over and over.....In the words of my friend Wally:
"You might be on the playlist, but you ain't number 1 on the Hit Parade." (Good ol' Wally....The story behind that comment is both sad and funny....I crack up each time I think about it)
QUESTION: Dear ^Belle^: Why do women need a man and a vibrator?
ANSWER: Vibrator's can't kill spiders or mow the lawn.
That is all we have time for this week. Send in those questions and tune in next Monday.
Later Ya'll...
