Well gang, it's Monday (at least I think it is), and time for another edition of, Dear ^Belle^. I have some hum and dingers for you this week.

Remember, if you have a question, from serious to silly, send it to me in a PM and I will do my best to answer it for you.

Let's get started:

QUESTION:

Dear Belle:

How can I get my man to pay more attention to me?

ANSWER:

Have you considered dressing up like a cell phone or remote control?

QUESTION;

Dear Belle:

Are these really the days of our lives?

ANSWER:

You are asking the wrong person. I don't know whose life I'm living, but I am ready to turn it in. Wanna trade?


Seriously though, if it is as they say and life is what we make it....so far all I have been able to make is a flipping MESS!

QUESTION:

Dear Belle:

How was your weekend/What song title would best describe it?

ANSWER:

It sucked like a hoover! I did have a GIANT bonfire though.

Songs to describe the weekend huh...2 come to mind:

DON'T MEAN NOTHING and LAST THING ON MY MIND

QUESTION:

Dear Belle:

I just met someone that I really like and we live over 300 miles apart. Any advice?

ANSWER:

Yes....DON'T!

QUESTION:

Dear Belle:

Something is bothering me about my relationship. My girlfriend keeps doing something over and over that drives me nuts. What should I do?

ANSWER:

Well, first of all, have you discussed it with her? If not, you should. Be kind but lay all your cards on the table and discuss with her why you dislike what she is doing and how it makes you feel. See if you can reach a solution.

If she really cares about you and your feelings, she will do something about it.

On the other hand, if it is something you have discussed already and it has continued, then you are not being heard. Either she isn't getting what you are saying, or she just doesn't care. If it is the latter, it might be time to take a closer look at the relationship.

When people truly VALUE and RESPECT you, they VALUE and RESPECT your feelings. Don't waste your time on someone who does otherwise!

QUESTION:

Dear Belle:

HELP! I don't know what I did wrong....I was on a date with my sweeite last weekend and everything was going great....we had a nice dinner, saw a movie, and then went "parking". I leaned in real close to her and whispered in her ear, "honey, would you....well what I mean to say is....could you....pop this thing under my arm? It feels like it's as big as a grapefruit!"

She slapped me and then hopped out of the car and went screaming into the night! Was it something I said??!

Signed,
Un-popped in Peoria

ANSWER:

UN-POPPED: Yes, it certainly was something you said! You can't just spring a grapefruit sized cyst on a girl like that, especially in a romantic setting!

That was a little too much reality so early in the relationship. She was probably thinking:

OH, sure....now it is popping stuff under his arm, and the next thing you know he is farting in bed and trapping my head under the cover!

GEEZ....Don't you know anything.....You have to start out first with something smaller, like say, a blackhead and work your way up to things the size of grapefruits.

QUESTION:

Dear Belle:

I got stopped for speeding last week and got a ticket. What can I do next time?

ANSWER:

The simple answer is DON'T SPEED.

Since my son in law is a State Trooper, and from personal experience I know that, most of the time, if you are polite and ask for a verbal warning, they won't give you a ticket.

If all else fails, do what I do: Poke yourself in the eye and proceed to cry.

QUESTION:

Dear Belle:

Any advice for my next relationship?

ANSWER:

Yes, I do. Something I read not long ago, struck a chord with me:

WHEN SOMEONE LOVES YOU, IT SHOULD FEEL LIKE THEY LOVE YOU.

Love should FEEL like love....It shouldn't feel like indifference.

If it doesn't, say, "So Long", and MOVE ON!

QUESTION:

Dear Belle:

Do you have toe jam? SIGNED: Foot Fetish in Funky Town

ANSWER:

Sorry....all out of toe jam....Could I show you something in a corn or bunion?


QUESTION:

Dear Belle:

What is the strangest thing you have seen up for auction on Ebay?

ANSWER:

Funny you should ask. Just this morning, someone was offering a cracker shaped like a sombrero.

Question:

Dear Belle:

What is your favorite Elvis song?

ANSWER:

Hard question, I have so many favorites.

Some of his lesser known songs are favs of mine:

JUST PRETEND
EDGE OF REALITY
IF I CAN DREAM
FAIRY TALE
TRYING TO GET TO YOU

Among his more popular songs:

THE WONDER OF YOU
LOVE ME
HOW GREAT THOU ART
WHERE COULD I GO
SUSPICIOUS MINDS
MOODY BLUE
EVIL

QUESTION:

Dear Belle:

Does your palm ever itch?

ANSWER:

Yes it does. Right before I slap the hound dog out of someone.

Actually, I was always told by my Grandmother, that when your palm itched, it was a sign you were going to "handle money". She had a saying for EVERYTHING.....Including what it meant when one of your "boobies" itched.

Okay...That is all for this week. Keep those questions coming.

REMEMBER: IF YOU CAN'T BE GOOD, THEN BE GOOD AT IT, AND DON'T GET ANY ON YA. PLAY NICE

Later Ya'll...^Belle^

On a clear, warm night, on this date in May, 1995, I watched him jump out of his, "big rig" and walk across the parking lot.

IT IS TIME TO STOP COUNTING YEARS, AND START LIVING. SO MUCH FOR PINNACLES.

THIS IS ONE OF MY VERY FAVORITE SONGS.

Later Ya'll...^Belle^

It's Friday and you know what that means. Time for the Friday Five. This week with a FAVORITE FOUR Twist. As always, answer any 5 or go I HATE KYLE BUSH BONKERS and answer them all. Ready....Have at it...!

1-Whose vehicle were you in last?

PRINCESS

2-Who is "simply THE BEST"?

THE YANKEE

3- Last question someone asked you?

DO I HAVE CLEAN UNDERWEAR? (MY SON)

4-When is the next time you will see the person who absolutely takes your breath away?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT HOPE IT'S SOON.

5-Do you eat the half popped kernels of popcorn in the bottom of the bowl?

YES.

6-Have you ever read an entire book in one day?

ALL THE TIME. ONCE I START, I LIKE TO READ ALL THE WAY THROUGH.

7-Next special day or anniversary?

MAY 17th, WILL MARK 13 YEARS AGO THAT I MET, FACE TO FACE, THE LOVE OF MY LIFE.

8-What do you think about before you go to bed?

DID I LOCK THE DOORS....DO I HAVE TO PEE AGAIN......WHO IS LICKING MY FOOT

9-The last time you took part in a PDA (Public display of affection)?

LAST SATURDAY MORNING...ALTHOUGH THE PRIVATE DISPLAY OF AFFECTION WAS MORE FUN!

10-Do you and your significant other still hold hands?

YES.

11-Has anyone ever sucked your toe?

YES AND I CAN'T STAND IT!.

12-First song title that comes to your mind?

SHE LEFT LOVE ALL OVER ME (RAZZY BAILEY)

13-Is there a sound that turns you on?

YES...THE YANKEE'S VOICE AND SQUEAKING LEATHER.

14-You just opened a restaurant, what is it called?

BELLE'S BAMA BISTRO or CRIMSON CAFE

15-Have you ever sent someone a sexy photo of yourself/if so who?

YES/THE YANKEE(MOST RECENTLY)

16-Four places you go over and over?

DAUGHTER'S HOUSE, GROCERY STORE, CRAZY, TO SLEEP

17-Four people who email you regularly?

DAUGHTER,WALLY, STEP SISTER, POLARB

18-Four places you would rather be right now?

YANKEE'S ARMS, MOUNT CHEAHA,I-20,OCEAN SPRINGS,MISSISSIPPI

19-Four shows that you watch?

ANTIQUES ROADSHOW,AMERICAN IDOL,HELL'S KITCHEN,BOSTON LEGAL

20-Four things you love about your significant other?

HEART-BODY-PASSION-HAS HIS OWN MARINE CORPS UNIFORM

My daughter and son in law are BIG TIME into Ebay, and I take full credit for it. In addition to being one of Alabama's finest, he is also a master mechanic. He piddles around with cars, buys them cheap, fixes them up and sells them. I had been telling him for over a year, that there was good money to be made on Ebay. He was skeptical, but finally took his mother in laws advice and that has now grew into another full time job for him and Princess.

It wasn't long before Princess got in on the act and began selling the children's clothing they could no longer wear. From there, whenever she would come upon a great deal or sale while shopping, she would snap it up and resale it on Ebay.

Well, after almost 2 years, she has sold everything in their closets that she could possibly sale. I just happened to mention to her not long ago, a book I purchased at a thrift store for 29 cents, I turned around and sold on Ebay for right at $14.00.

For years she has listened to me as I brag about my thrift store finds...designer purses and handbags, brand name clothing....etc, always turning up her nose and shaking her head. It finally hit home with her, when I purchased a Perlina of New York handbag last year for $2.49, and showed her the very same bag on their site with a retail of $285.00!

So, she has been after me for weeks to go with her to the thrift store so she can replenish her Ebay stock. Yesterday morning, I arrived bright and early at her house ready to go.

If you have followed my blog, you know that Princess and I can not and should not shop together. She is a look at everything and take your time shopper, while I am the hit and run type. 2 hours is my limit in any store and that is stretching it.

We arrived and divided the children, she took 14 month old Angel and I got almost 3 year old Trooper Junior.

Right away he begins to talk....about EVERYTHING. Trooper Junior never meets a stranger and feels the need to point out "certain" things about his Me-Ma.

"Me-Ma has big boobies"

"Me-Ma has a tree" (My tattoo) (IT ISN'T A TREE)

"Me-Ma make boo-boo cweam pie"

"Me-Ma shake a booty" (Dance)

"Me-Ma sing A-Donk" (HONKY TONK BADONKADONK by TRACE ADKINS)

He spots the section of toys and stuffed animals and from all the way across the store spies....ELMO!

TROOPER JUNIOR:"See Elmo, Me-Ma.....see Elmo"

ME-MA:"Later.", then under my breath, "Elmo is the devil"


TROOPER JUNIOR:"See Elmo, now Me-Ma"

ME-MA: "Let me look at this first, and then we'll go see Elmo."

TROOPER JUNIOR: "No."

ME-MA:" Aren't you having fun with Me-Ma?"

TROOPER JUNIOR: "No. I not have fun with Me-Ma."

A clerk working in that section busted out laughing.

A police officer came strolling in and I prayed he would not see him ,so quickly we rolled in the other direction (later, you'll see why).

On the shelf is a 4 foot tall stuffed Elmo...with big ol' eyes on top the size of golf balls. He has a fit and I toss Elmo in the buggy. We bump into Princess and Angel.

PRINCESS: "Mama...he doesn't need another Elmo."

ME-MA: "We are just taking Elmo for a ride, that's all. I'll ditch him later."

PRINCESS: (LAUGHING), "Okay, Mama. See how well that works."

ME-MA: "You forget dear, that I am a pro at this. Used to do it all the time with you and your brother."

Just as we turn the corner, there is the police officer.

TROOPER JUNIOR: "Po'po.....Hey, look Me-Ma... Po'po."

"Po'po", is another little thing he might have picked up from Me-Ma.

The officer stops in his tracks, turns and smiles at Trooper Junior.

OFFICER: "Po'po....where did you hear that little man?"

TROOPER JUNIOR: "Me-Ma, say it."

OFFICER: "Really......"

ME-MA: "His daddy is a State Trooper and he calls him, Po'po, too."

OFFICER: "That explains it."

TROOPER JUNIOR: "Me-Ma, has big boobies."

OFFICER: 10-4.

I go in search of Princess.

ME-MA: "How about switching kids with me?"

PRINCESS: "Why?"

ME-MA: "Because yours can hardly talk."


Over by the shelves of televisions, "Berney" (Barney) is on ALL OF THEM.

TROOPER JUNIOR: "Watch Berney....watch Berney"

We stood there for about 5 minutes watching, "Berney", then he spots a small stuffed, "Berney", and has to have him.

Fine....I hand him, "Berney".

5 minutes later, he spots, on the bottom book shelf, Elmo.

TROOPER JUNIOR: "Elmo book, Me-Ma....Elmo book".

ME-MA: "I don't see an Elmo book."

CLERK: "He's right, I just put one out....let's see...it is right.......here...."

She hands Trooper Junior, not just an Elmo book, but a TALKING...GIGGLING...TOILET FLUSHING Elmo book about going to the potty. So, now, big Elmo is cooling it in the buggy, while Trooper Junior has "Berney", sitting beside him, and is now pressing ALL the buttons on this blasted book.

Among the sounds, is Elmo saying:

"I have to go potty", followed by a flushing toilet sound.

While he is distracted with the book, I take the opportunity to ditch Elmo, quickly removing him from the buggy and sticking him on a bottom shelf.

5 minutes later he looks back and discovers Elmo is M.I.A.

TROOPER JUNIOR: "Where my Elmo?"

ME-MA: "Elmo had to go use the potty."

TROOPER JUNIOR: "Okay." (sound of flushing toilet from the book)

Later Ya'll....^Belle^

Welcome to, "Dear Belle", where I will answer your questions each Monday, thus earning my, "know it all", title given to me by the 2 humans I helped create.


Ready....here is our first question:

DEAR BELLE:

How did the "pannie raid" go?

ANSWER:

It went VERY well. Thanks for asking.

DEAR BELLE:

I popped my cherry in a bicycle accident. Does that mean I am no longer a virgin?

ANSWER:

First of all let me get this clear.....You popped your cherry in a bicycle accident, or popped your bicycle in a cherry accident... ? Ah...doesn't matter either way....BY THE POWERS INVESTED IN ME BY BEING BORN UNDER THE VIRGO SIGN, AND BECAUSE I SAY SO, YOU ARE HEREBY DECLARED A VIRGIN.

DEAR BELLE:

If you hit somebody up side the head with a frying pan for cheating, can the police lock you up?

ANSWER:

Not if you hide the body.

DEAR BELLE:

I sat on a red ant hill and got bites all over! What can I do to take the sting out?


ANSWER:

First I need to know what kind of "sting", it is. Is it the, itching kind of sting or the got a spanky while doing some hanky panky kind of sting....?

If it is the itching kind of sting, rub your booty with that pink stuff in the bottle and take some Benedryl,or, as crazy as this may sound, take some meat tenderizer, add a little water, make a paste and smear it on your bottom.

If it is the hanky panky spanky kind of sting....JUST ENJOY AND REPETE AS OFTEN AS NEEDED.

DEAR BELLE:

I'm in a new relationship that holds promise but I am afraid. In the past, things are hot in the passion department for a while and then it gets boring. Is that normal?

ANSWER:

Some people would say yes, that after a while things tend to cool down. That may be true in some relationships, but, speaking from personal experience over the last 13 years with The Yankee, things haven't cooled down a bit and only gets better as the years go by.

I do think, from observing other couples that they just plain forget to be lovers. Being lovers doesn't just occur in the bedroom, it occurs everywhere. Believe me, when you find the right one, things will change as you grow with one another becoming deeper and more intense.

DEAR BELLE:

My boyfriend is always asking me to pull his finger and I'm really tired of it. What should I do?

ANSWER;

The next time he asks you to pull his finger....pull something a little further south than his finger and tell him to cough.

DEAR BELLE:

I want to give my girlfriend something really special for her birthday, but don't have a lot of money to spend. Any suggestions?

ANSWER:

First of all, "something special", doesn't need to have a dollar amount tied to it. Something special can be a poem that you write yourself (it doesn't have to rhyme), or a love letter telling her what she means to you and in your life (just write from the heart).

Be creative. How about a picnic in a place that has special memories for you as a couple.....Bottle of wine (or beverage of choice), music, spread a blanket out under the stars.....Mix your own CD of songs that are meaningful to you both or the way you feel about her. Make your own special coupon book just for her. I'm sure some folks here on the stream have excellent suggestions.

DEAR BELLE:

I lost my keys. Can you tell me where they are?

ANSWER:

They will be in the last place you look.

DEAR BELLE:

It hurts when I do this,what should I do.

ANSWER;

Stop doing it.

DEAR BELLE:

What do you call a woman that can suck a golf ball through a straw?

ANSWER:

DARLING.

DEAR BELLE:

You sure do write about Yankee a lot, is he really all that?

ANSWER:

YEP. AND THEN SOME. AND HE HAS BEEN "BELLED",SO BACK OFF.

That's all the questions for this week. If you want to join in, all you have to do is send me a PM with a question...any kind of question from serious to silly to none of your business....



Later Ya'll...^Belle^